


Possession

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Dark, Mental Abuse, Other, PTSD, Physical Abuse, Self Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: Upon realizing just what kind of relationship Nadine had with Vincent, Elizabeth and Henry swear to help her find a way to healing.
Relationships: Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord
Comments: 71
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an expansion on chapter 27 of More Perfect Union. Assume tons of warnings for mentions of abuse, violence, etc. There won't be any actual abuse except possibly in flashbacks (which will be marked), but it will be discussed. If tags need updated as I go, I will update them plus give warnings at the top of the new chapter.

Elizabeth found herself wide awake early the next morning and lay staring at the bedroom ceiling. Her whole night had been plagued with visions of what sort of hell Nadine’s life must’ve been for years. When Henry finally shifted in the bed, she rolled onto her side to face him. “Hey.”

His eyes fluttered open. “Morning.”

“What… What are we going to do?”

“I really don’t know.” He reached out for her. “I want to call Raymond and ask him his advice, but I worry this would be too much for us to try and handle, Babe.”

“She can’t be that far gone though, right? I mean, she lives alone, she… she is good at her job. Somewhere in all that surely it means she stands a chance of being okay.”

“Maybe.” Henry pushed up so he was sitting. “Did you see that list though?”

“I- I tried reading it, but I had to look away.”

“He controlled what she ate, who she could talk to… She didn’t put it on paper, but the only way I can think of having hat much control over someone else is by making them fear for their life.”

She let that thought roll around a moment. “You think Marsh beat her?”

“I think we have to consider it a possibility. She’s scared of something happening if she screws up and I doubt it’s having to do extra paperwork.”

Tossing back the covers, Elizabeth got out of bed. “I should go check on her. I- I gave her pajamas last night, maybe I could see if she wants a change of clothes for today.”

“Babe…”

“I have to know, Henry. I have to know if that man was torturing her.” Quickly, she slipped out of the room and to the guest room, knocking on the door. “Nadine? It’s just me. Can I come in?”

When no response came, Elizabeth tried the knob and then eased the door open. The bed was empty and she started to panic, stepping into the room slightly just to be sure. Nadine hadn’t run off though, but was seated in the wingback chair in the corner, shoulders tucked in and eyes on the floor.

“Nadine? It’s just me.” She crossed the room and knelt at her feet, putting one hand out a minute before resting it on her knee. “How long have you been up?”

“Since five.” She seemed to tremble under Elizabeth’s hand. Her voice was just as soft as the night before.

“That’s awfully early for a weekend.”

“I’m supposed to be up by five every day. You never know when something might happen and I need to be at the ready. I- I would’ve gotten dressed but I-” Her eyes cut to the clothes she’d worn yesterday. “I didn’t have anything clean and I didn’t know if it was okay to leave my room.”

“You can borrow something of mine. It might swim on you a bit, but that’ll be okay for today. You can either wear it home later or I could wash your things for you. You’re not a prisoner here. You’re welcome to whatever you need.”

“Is… is the restroom free?”

Elizabeth’s heart clenched at how childlike the question sounded. “Yes. It’s free.” When Nadine didn’t move to stand, Elizabeth backed out of the way. “You can go take care of whatever you need too. I’ll go find you something to wear, okay?” She watched her give a small nod before slipping back to her own bedroom and pushing the door closed.

“And?” Henry was sitting on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t hear any crying or anything so I guess everything’s okay?”

“She’s been up for hours, just sitting in there I think.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I… She asked permission to go to the bathroom, Henry.”

He tugged her close. “She’s never been here before. It’s a new place, she doesn’t know me and only barely knows you, and she seems scared. Just… be gentle with her.”

“You’re right.” She let him kiss her. “I am going to take her something to wear for today.” She pulled away and dug out a shirt and pants she thought might work. “I’ll be back.” Heading back up the hall, Nadine’s door was slightly open. Elizabeth tapped gently before slipping in. “Nadine? I brought clothes.”

Nadine was seated on the guest bed much like Henry had been on theirs, only she’d already remade it and looked much tenser. Taking a chance, Elizabeth sat beside her and reached out slowly for her hand. “You can tell me anything, Nadine. And I don’t mean just today. There is nothing you could ever say to me that will make me angry with you or would make me send you away. Okay?”

She made a tiny noise to the affirmative.

“Can I ask you a question? If you don’t want to answer, that’s okay. I won’t push you.” She paused, studying the side of Nadine’s face. “When Vincent thought you did something to break a rule, did he ever hurt you?”

“… I made mistakes. I had to be punished so I learned from them.”

“What did he do to punish you? Can- can you show me?”

Slowly, Nadine pulled away and stood. Elizabeth thought she could almost see her fear as she hesitated before pushing the pajama pants down her legs. Elizabeth didn’t see anything at first until she turned around and then, high enough that even a fairly short business skirt would still cover, were light lines on the backs of her thighs. With her back to Elizabeth, Nadine gingerly tugged the top off, her arms crossing protectively over her now bare chest.

The marks on her back were careful too. Elizabeth would hazard a guess that Nadine could wear a strapless gown and be able to hide them. The bastard had been methodical in what he’d done.

“Is that all?” She whispered.

The room was quiet and then slowly Nadine turned. The marks continued on her front as well and up under where her arms were crossed. After several minutes, Nadine swallowed, eyes flicking Elizabeth’s way. “Ba- bastinado.”

For the first time in her life, Elizabeth suddenly understood the phrase ‘seeing red’. Her time with CIA had left her acquainted with that particular kind of punishment. It was barbaric and cruel. “Why?” It slipped out on accident, but for the first time since the night before, Nadine’s eyes met hers and held.

“I used to be a dancer.”

Her brows bunched together. “Used to be?”

She watched as Nadine’s bare shoulders curled and she tucked her face to the side, crying silently. “He took it from me.”

Her heart broke watching the silent way Nadine stood there, almost naked, crying. Standing from the bed, she moved carefully. “May I hug you?” She opened her arms and waited, not wanting to overwhelm her. After a moment, Nadine seemed to sway a bit and then leaned into her. Elizabeth help her close while she cried. “I’m so sorry, Nadine. I really am. No one will ever do that to you again. Any of it.” She felt as Nadine cried harder and pulled away just enough to tip her face up. “You’re safe now. Henry and I will never let anything happen to you. Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong?” She would’ve thought Nadine would have been relieved.

“I loved him!” She cried, body shaking again. “I loved him and- and I need him.” She gasped. “I am so scared all alone.”

“You’re not alone now.” Maybe Henry had been right, this was much more than they could handle on their own.

=

After a very quiet late breakfast, Henry watched as Nadine had slipped to the front room and sat in one of the chairs staring into space. Her silence unnerved him, especially after Elizabeth had told him about the breakdown in the bedroom.

Careful not to spook her, he took a seat on the couch across so he was completely in her view. “Nadine… I know things have been hard for you in recent weeks. Elizabeth and I are here for you, no matter what, but I think you might benefit from seeing a therapist as well. Someone who has experience to help you with everything you’ve been through.”

At first, she didn’t seem to even register that he’d spoken. Henry watched closely as she started to tremble and then, finally, she slowly stood. She walked toward the fireplace, turning as if she’d intended to start pacing. Instead, her hands raised, fisting handfuls of her own hair against the sides of her head as she then started shaking it violently. The entire time, completely silent.

When she didn’t look like she’d be stopping on her own, Henry finally stood and walked slowly toward her. “Nadine? I’m going to touch you, is that okay? You can tell me no.” Giving her plenty of time to show him somehow that he needed to stay away, he gently tugged her into his arms and tried to offer some comfort. “It’s okay. You don’t have to go to a therapist if you don’t want to. It’s your choice.”

As he spoke, she stilled. Henry pulled away, not wanting to encroach on her space any longer than he felt was necessary. He realized than that she’d been silently crying, just like Elizabeth had described earlier.

“I can go get Elizabeth for you.” He ducked his head to catch her eye. “Would you like that?”

She seemed to grow nervous but didn’t answer.

“It’s okay to say you’re not comfortable with me, Nadine. I won’t get upset with you.”

Slowly, her eyes rose to his for the first time though they only lingered a moment. “Really?”

Henry nodded. “It’s okay to not be comfortable with me. If you need me to not stand too close or always make sure you know where I am, I will do that for you.”

There was another pause and then a nod. “I- I’d like it if she was here.”

“I’ll go find her.”

Nadine stared after him as Henry left the room. She’d barely slept at all the night before, confused and terrified about what they might do or say now that they’d found out. Vincent had had friends, people he trotted her out on occasion around who didn’t blink an eye about her not being his wife or how he treated her. She’d been fresh out of school when they’d met, so afraid of the world around her that at the time, the stability Vincent had promised had sounded like a godsend.

Somewhere along the way, she’d found herself in a world she never could quite understand.

Elizabeth rushed into the room and then stopped suddenly, walking carefully the rest of the way. “Are you okay?”

That was another thing Nadine couldn’t work out since arriving; just how concerned the McCords were about her being okay. They asked permission before touching her and they moved slowly so she knew what they were about to do. No one had cared about her like that as far back as she could remember. Before she realized it, fresh tears were dripping down her cheeks. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to will them away. Vincent hated seeing her cry and would get angry when it happened. It was how she’d learned to do it silently, often quickly in a bathroom or late at night once he was asleep. It could never disturb him.

“Hey.” Elizabeth whispered it. “Come here.” Her arms were around her again and Nadine pressed hard into her body, hoping she’d understand that she wanted held tighter. One arm did tighten while the other came up and Elizabeth petted her hair. “It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to keep hiding it. I know you miss him and I know things are confusing right now, but sometimes… Sometimes you just need to cry to get it all out.”

Without permission, a sob bubbled out. And then another. Before she knew it, her entire body was wracked with sobs as her legs gave out and Elizabeth sank right with her to the floor.

Elizabeth held her tight and Nadine clung hard to her shirt so she would pull away. It felt so good being held like that. Vincent had never held her just to hold her, only ever to restrain her for some other reason. As her sobs began to peter out, Nadine didn’t even realize she’d drifted off to sleep.

Henry watched from his desk chair until the room went quiet. “Babe?”

“I think she’s asleep.”

He carefully stood, not wanting to make Nadine panic with his presence. He could see her face now against his wife’s shoulder. “Looks like it.”

“How… How could this happen to someone so…” She wasn’t sure how to finish.

“Vincent must’ve started when she was young. Maybe when she didn’t know anyone yet and was already isolated and scared.” He sighed. “He was a predator, Babe, and predators know how to spoke cracks they can use.”

“It’s just… at work she seems so… confident.”

“He groomed her. At work she has a script, she knows who to be, so yeah… She probably can look confident.” He wanted more than anything to pull her close but didn’t reach out. “She’s going to need to rely on you for guidance, Babe.”

“…I know.”

“You have to prepare yourself for the day she does something she thinks will anger you. Or worse… the day she does upset you. I did some research earlier and… She’s likely to react in ways that seem entirely out of sync with the moment. She might be used to waiting for permission for something that you’re not even aware of.”

“Like?” She turned to look at him, Nadine’s head tucked under her chin.

“Eating, sleeping… I really don’t know. That list she wrote last night was heart wrenching, but I have a feeling it wasn’t comprehensive.”

“He- he beat her, Henry.”

She already told him about the scars. “I know.”

“What if… What if that wasn’t all he did?” She voice cracked. “He took away her being able to dance without pain… What if that wasn’t all?”


	2. Chapter 2

Wrapped in a towel, Nadine stood in front of her closet and debated what to wear to work. Her entire wardrobe had been chosen to appeal to Vincent’s preferences, but now he was gone. She’d spent recent weeks pretending he was just away on business in order to force herself to keep going. She’d skipped the memorial, it was easier to maintain the illusion that way.

Her weekend at the McCord home had left her feeling raw and open, things she wasn’t accustomed too. In the moment, it had been easy to let herself believe their words, but now… Now she was suspicious. No one had ever done anything for her without wanting something in return. Everything was a transaction.

Pulling out a burgundy suit, Nadine carried it across to the bed and finished getting ready. She knew how to do this, she’d gotten ready more times than she cared to remember while hiding pain, physical or otherwise. Today would be no different.

=

Stepping off the elevator, Elizabeth wasn’t surprised to see Nadine right alongside the others to greet her, a leather folder in her arm. Passing Blake her mug and bag as he reached for them, she kept her eyes on her Chief of Staff while everyone talked, looking for some indication of how she was doing.

Before, she’d seen how Nadine walked a little away from the others, always keeping her gaze straight ahead, and had written it off as her being a bit aloof and very serious about her job. But now… With fresh eyes, Elizabeth couldn’t miss the way she looked tense when any of the guys seemed to step a bit too close or the way she never actually looked at someone’s face even when speaking to them.

She felt stupid for having missed it before.

The welcome walk had been quick and Elizabeth didn’t want to draw attention to the fact she was now watching Nadine closely, so when everyone disbursed to their days, she didn’t stop Nadine from leaving as well. She did, however, stop Blake. “Can I ask you something?”

He gave that little laugh, the one that told her he thought it should be obvious. “Anything… Ma’am.”

“Shut the door a second please.” She followed him with her eyes as he tipped his head in confusion but did as she asked. “I may on occasion need to ask you a question and I won’t be able to give you any context to it. Ever. Will you be willing and able to answer me? And will you be able to never divulge in any way what I’ve asked?”

Blake stayed silent and then slowly took a seat across from her. He stared for a minute at her desk surface and then slowly looked up at her, clearly having weighed her ask. “Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

His head bobbed once, face serious. “I know you. And I know that you would never do something like that without valid cause, even if I don’t know what it is.” He paused for a beat. “I trust you with my life as much as I promise you that you can trust me with yours.”

“Thank you.”

He started to stand, but then seemed to think better of it. “Is- is there something you were wanting to ask me now?”

She debated. Blake was smart, it was why she brought him to DC with her. At some point, he’d start putting things together without really even trying. “Can you tell me how early Nadine comes in for work?”

The question seemed to catch him by surprise. “Oh! Um… She’s always in before me. I- I really am not certain, Ma’am. I believe she’s usually awake about the time I am, but I’m basing that on phone calls and texts we’ve had to exchange.”

“And that time would be…?”

He shrugged. “Four thirty, Ma’am.”

She wanted to press further, but didn’t. “Thank you, Blake. That is all.”

“Of course, Ma’am.” He stood, leaving her on her own.

Despite her intentions, Elizabeth wound up on the phone and late slipping into the morning meeting. Entering from the side door, she paused on her way to the coffee to just watch a moment. This was one of the places it seemed Nadine was in her element. Or, at least, knew the script and how to be. With the furniture and her title to protect her, Nadine looked confident and in control of the room.

Placing the biggest portion of brioche and an extra napkin on a plate, Elizabeth carried it to her seat knowing Blake would trail after with the cup of coffee. Everyone was already eating around the table as they discussed finding inducements to move things along in Central America. Everyone, that was, except Nadine. Any other day, Elizabeth wouldn’t have taken any notice of the fact Nadine was the only one not eating, but today she didn’t miss the moment of longing in Nadine’s eyes when she placed her breakfast on the table.

Getting comfortable in her seat, Elizabeth grabbed the second napkin and broke a small section off, sliding it Nadine’s way. “I shouldn’t have gotten this big piece.”

Brown eyes locked on hers, almost asking permission.

She gently smiled, dropping her voice low enough it wouldn’t draw attention. “Eat.”

Nadine gave an almost imperceptible nod as her fingers gentle tugged at the piece of dough, breaking it into smaller pieces before lifting one to her mouth.

Elizabeth found her attention divided between the rest of the meeting and each time Nadine ate another tiny piece of the brioche. After the first bite, a small smile had formed at the corners of her mouth and had stayed until the meeting’s end. As she stood, Elizabeth turned and spoke softly. “Would you please gather whatever you’ll be working on and come to my office for a bit?”

“O- of course, Ma’am.”

Having Nadine work from her office gave her some time to simply observe. By the time lunch rolled around, she asked Blake to order something in and then pulled the door shut before gingerly sitting on the couch beside Nadine but with enough space between them that she didn’t inadvertently upset her. “Nadine? Can we talk?”

“Of course.” She turned her face to Elizabeth, but her eyes stayed downcast.

“Please look at me?” She waited until Nadine’s eyes finally looked at her. “You’ve been very good today. I know the weekend must’ve been very hard for you. You still don’t really know Henry and I and maybe you aren’t certain whether you should trust us or not after all?”

Nadine wondered how Elizabeth knew the thoughts that had been running through her head. “I’m okay, Ma’am.”

Elizabeth thought back to the conversations Henry had had the night before, after Nadine had gone home, with his old friend Raymond. They’d sat together in the den as Henry had asked his questions and Raymond had done his best to give answers. Henry and Raymond had met on that intelligence case years ago and he was the only person Henry trusted to give good advice. Raymond’s suggestion had been to start by helping Nadine return her world to as close to exactly as it’d been before Vincent had died to help her be comfortable. He’d suggested that she needed to first learn to be comfortable with them before they could change anything else.

“I want to ask you some questions… About you and Vincent.”

Nadine seemed to shrink back, but her head bobbed slightly.

“Can you tell me what he expected of you at work? Was there something he demanded you do or… Or something you weren’t allowed to do?”

“I-” She wasn’t sure she should tell her, but at the same time, Vincent was dead. “I had to be here working before he came in and I- I had to stay till he left, no matter what.” She toyed with her glasses as her lips pressed together a moment and then she carried on, voice softer. “He didn’t think it was professional for me to be seen eating around the office.”

Elizabeth put all that together a moment. “Wait… You were here for… fifteen or sixteen hour days and he wouldn’t let you eat?” She watched as Nadine averted her eyes and shook her head. “He was starving you. What- what about when you ended up working all night?” She knew that happened more often than they liked to admit. Nadine shook her head again. She understood Raymond’s intention behind keeping life as close to the same as possible, but she couldn’t go on knowing Nadine wouldn’t be eating while she was working. “Okay.” She reached out, but didn’t touch her, landing her hand on the cushion between them. “I want to change that one rule, is that okay?”

Nadine stilled. “To- to what?” Part of her was terrified that Elizabeth was wanting to make rules, but at the same time, there was almost relief in hearing it.

“I want you to eat three meals a day no matter where you are. If you aren’t comfortable eating around the others, you are welcome to come in here with your food whether I’m here or not.” She drew a breath. “Nadine?” Cautiously, she looked up again. “I am so sorry for what you went through with him.”

=

Henry pulled Elizabeth close when she climbed into bed that night. “How was your day, really?”

She sighed into his arms. “Okay, I guess. To anyone else, it was just another day, but to me…”

“You looked at everything with fresh eyes.”

“Yes.” They lapsed into silence as she thought. “I could see it today, you know? How much of what we see is she knows the script. I- I think that’s why she dislikes Blake so much.”

“Why’s that?” He didn’t follow.

“Vincent didn’t have a PA and his receptionist was a woman who only answered phones and nothing more. Blake doesn’t fit into her script and he moves and appears in ways that I think she has a hard time predicting.” She sighed. “I pulled Blake aside and simply asked that he tread carefully around her.”

“He didn’t ask why?”

“He wanted to… Henry?”

He held her tighter at the sad waver in her voice.

“He didn’t let her eat.” She whispered it, almost afraid to speak the words. “What we saw the other night… there are some serious food issues going on. I think she was so afraid of him that she didn’t even eat much when she was home on her own. He has her so… programmed… to adhere to his rules…”

“But she eats at the work dinners, right?”

“Not really, no. She’s used to working these crazy hours and he wouldn’t let her eat. I- I had to go against your friend a bit on that one, Henry. I had to tell her I was making a new rule that she eats three meals a day no matter what. I couldn’t bear the idea of her sitting hungry all the time.”

He understood her need to care for Nadine. “It’s okay, Babe.”


	3. Chapter 3

Quietly walking from the elevator, Elizabeth intentionally headed for Nadine’s office instead of her own like she’d done every day lately. It had become a new routine, checking in for just a second before the day got started to be sure she was doing okay.

Stopping in her doorway, Elizabeth watched for a moment. Nadine was at one of her file cabinets, head in a file and unaware of her presence. Today she had her hair clipped back and was wearing a black blazer and pants. Once she’d had enough time to read over her face, Elizabeth drew attention to herself. “Hey, good morning.”

Nadine’s head popped up and she made a soft ‘oh’ before looking her way. “Good morning, Ma’am.”

“How was your evening?”

“I- It was fine, Ma’am.”

She could see Nadine was uncomfortable with the questions about herself, so Elizabeth moved on. “When you’re ready, you can come in with the schedule. I’m going to find something to eat and touch base with Blake before the day gets started.”

“Of course.”

She started to step away but paused a moment. “You look very nice today, Nadine.”

A proper smile appeared on her face. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

=

The staff were all piled into her office, reviewing a few meetings for the afternoon. Elizabeth tapped her pen on the desk, doing her best to work out how to get everything done quickly before it all fell apart. “You know what, we need to divide and conquer. Jay, can you take meeting with the subcommittee about voting on this funding sooner rather than later? I’ll corner Russell and impress on him the importance of this to not only national security, but all those irritating things he’s always griping about like polling numbers and reelection odds.” Everyone laughed. “And then Nadine, can you meet with David Rubenstein personally to figure out what kind of inducement it would take to get him to keep his trap shut for a few days until this is all passed and signed?” She’d been scanning her staff, eyes stopping on Nadine just in time to catch the way she’d tensed visibly before giving a small nod. “Actually, Blake, help her with him. Take good notes, consider it hands-on experience for one day in the future when I need to send you on your own.”

Blake frowned but agreed easily, jotting down in his book the changes to be made to his day.

“I’m… mentoring, Ma’am?”

She could see a mix of anxiousness and hopefulness in Nadine’s eyes. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, Ma’am.”

“In that case, I think we have a plan!” She tossed her pen and glasses onto the pile of paperwork. “Thank you, all of you. Blake, if you could hang back a minute?”

He’d been halfway to standing, but sat back down. “Of course, Ma’am.”

Once everyone had gone, Elizabeth leaned forward in her seat. “I’m sending you for more than just learning… I have some suspicions about Rubenstein, nothing concrete, just… Keep your eyes and ears open please?”

“Certainly.”

“Thank you.”

=

She’d never got a chance to ask Nadine directly what it had been about the idea of meeting with Rubenstein that had bothered her, but she figured whatever it was, Blake’s presence would mitigate it. Hours later when Blake returned, Elizabeth called him in for an after action discussion. “Well?”

“He’s a horrible human being who has no business working in public service.” He bit with irritation as he took a seat.

“So… A politician?”

Blake seemed to wilt. “Yes.” After a minute, he continued. “He thinks we’re violating his rights by keeping him quiet and there was almost nothing he wanted bad enough to accept that.”

“Almost nothing?”

“He had one request and I nearly learned whether or not Nadine could really shoot fire from her eyes.”

“Do I even what to know?”

He shook his head. “He wanted dinner with her? But by the time I got that out of him, he’d called her pretty a dozen times and even _I_ was uncomfortable. I told him we were the State Department, not an escort service and there would be no transactions that involved one on one time with any member of the staff, though he was welcome to have two or more of us to dinner.”

Elizabeth laughed a moment before calming herself. “And Nadine? How’d she take it?”

His smile fell away. “She was quite the whole trip out, but… especially after we got there. She started off strong, but then she backed off and let me handle everything. I guess I did okay, she didn’t jump in like I needed saving.”

“Do we have his cooperation then or not?”

“We do. Turned out that more than some alone time with Nadine, he really wanted ten minutes of Russell Jackson’s time to beg for support for a future presidential run. I used some of my own networking skills and called over and got him on the books.” He smirked. “Conveniently, the first available isn’t actually until after the vote, by which time we will have what we want before he finds out there’s no way Dalton will back him in a run.”

Elizabeth felt her mouth hang open. “Wow. You are getting good at this.”

“I’m a quick study.”

“Well, thank you. Can you send Nadine in?”

Blake stood. “Will do. She, um, she mentioned a headache and then rested her eyes on the way back. I suggested she lie down, if she is…”

“If she is, leave her, but thank you for telling me.”

He gave a quick nod and slipped away.

=

When an hour passed and Nadine never turned up, Elizabeth went in search of her, lapping the entire floor without finding her. Stopping back at Blake’s desk, she tapped to get his attention. “Did Nadine lie down in the end, do you know?”

“Oh, um, she wasn’t in her office and then I got caught up with all this and forgot to go looking for her again. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m going to see if I can’t track her down. I shouldn’t be too long.” Turning, she tried thinking of where Nadine might’ve wandered off to.

Elizabeth started in the garage, checking to be sure Nadine’s car was still there, though it wouldn’t rule out her leaving on foot, before checking each of the courtyards. She didn’t think Nadine would go anywhere noisy, so ruled out most of the floors and she didn’t find her on the roof. Headed back to her office, one last place crossed her mind.

The eighth floor was dim, only a few lights on since there were no banquets or other events being planned. This floor was a series of large, opulent rooms with little in the way of furniture cluttering the spaces. They were designed for large amounts of people to mill about.

Quietly peeking into each room, Elizabeth caught the faint sound of something moving and stepped into the doorway of a smaller meeting room at the far end. A large wingback chair had been pulled to one of the windows and even though Elizabeth couldn’t see over the back, she knew she’d found her missing Chief of Staff. As she crossed the carpeted floor, she spoke softly. “It’s just me.”

There was the soft rustling again of fabric against fabric before Nadine’s face appeared. “I’m sorry.”

She put her hand up. “It’s okay. Please…sit.” Grabbing a smaller chair, Elizabeth pulled it into place so she was seated beside Nadine. “Blake told me Rubenstein said some things that were inappropriate and made the both of you uncomfortable.”

“He was okay.”

“No, Nadine, he wasn’t.” She waited until Nadine turned to look at her. “Was he a friend of Vincent’s?”

She gave a small nod.

“Did… Did Vincent ever let him do anything to you?”

“No. He just…” She swallowed, eyes drifting back to the window. “Vincent would have dinners and the people he invited were allowed to say things to me or- or touch me. If they wanted. He never let them…” She drew a stuttered breath. “He never let them have sex with me. Only- only he was allowed to do that.”

Elizabeth didn’t miss the way a tear broke free and dripped slowly down her cheek.

“They got to have fun and I wasn’t allowed to be angry or tell them no or I’d be punished and then after they went away he… He really liked proving I was his.” Her hands had started shaking. Even knowing Vincent was dead, she still feared what would happen if she was caught admitting his secrets. “I belong to him, I always will. I am his to use any time and am not allowed to tell him no.”

The flat, detached way Nadine spoke unnerved her. “He raped you.”

“We were in love.”

Elizabeth wanted to cry. “That wasn’t love.”

The flatness gave way to a voice that was small and fearful. “He said I was pretty. I- I don’t want to be pretty.” Before Elizabeth could anticipate what was going to happen next, Nadine began to shriek the same words, hands to her face as she began scratching angry red lines into her skin.

Lunging out of her chair, Elizabeth grabbed her wrists, grappling with her to try and hold her still. Given their differences in size and all her years of training from the CIA and the workouts with Henry since, she still struggled to get them into a position where she could stop her from hurting herself. In the end, they ended up on the floor between the chairs and the window with Elizabeth bear-hugging her, holding Nadine’s arms across her body.

With no way to call for assistance and no idea what to do next, all she could do was wait for Nadine to wear herself out. As her cries subsided, Elizabeth heard the fait sound of an elevator ding at the other end of the floor and started to panic a bit herself. She didn’t want anyone to see Nadine in this state any more than Nadine would want to be seen. “Blake?!” She tried, hoping.

“Ma’am?” His voice called back, clearly concerned. “You’ve been gone over an hour, Ma’am.” She could tell he was coming closer.

“Don’t come in here!”

There was a minute of silence. “Okay, I won’t.” It sounded like he was to one side of the door now. “Did you find Nadine?”

“Yes.”

“Are the two of you okay?”

She stared down at what she could see of her Chief of Staff’s body. “Physically, yes.”

“What do you need from me, Ma’am?”

What did she need? She needed to get Nadine help whether she wanted it or not. “Can you call Henry? Tell him I said to come here now and then send him up alone, please.”

“I will get him here as quickly as possible, Ma’am.” She assumed he moved away until he spoke again, his voice gentle this time. “Please… please tell her she can trust me with her life as well… Ma’am.”

Alone again, Elizabeth shifted, easing Nadine to the floor so she could look her over. It didn’t look like she broke the skin anywhere on her face, though there were angry red lines from the attempt. “You need more help than I can give, Nadine. We’re not shoving you away, though. Please don’t be angry about this.”

When the elevator dinged again sometime later, she heard Blake’s voice directing Henry were to go and then her husband was kneeling at their side. “What happened?”

“She had to deal with someone Vincent allowed to objectify her and then she… She withdrew. We talked aboutit, Henry, and then she freaked out.” Tears were in her eyes when she looked up at him. “Can you take her to see a doctor? I don’t want her to hate us, but I think she does need more than we can give.”

“I’ll call Raymond and ask where we can meet him.” Henry agreed. “Blake asked me to park on the side of the garage where your motorcade usually is, now I understand why.” He reached out and gently touched Nadine’s shoulder. She still shied away from him more often than not and he expected her to recoil now, but she didn’t even acknowledge he was there. “Nadine?”

“She hasn’t been responsive in a while.”

He frowned. “Come on, Nadine. Let’s get you up.” With Elizabeth’s help, they got her to sit up on her own. “We’re going to need you to walk or I’ll have to call for an ambulance. I’m not okay carrying you out by force.” He did, however, help get her to her feet where she managed to stay standing on her own. “Babe? Can you hold the elevator for us?”

=

A breeze against her skin brought Nadine’s attention back to the present. Looking around, she realized she was laying in the backseat of a car and the windows were open. Somewhere outside, two men were talking softly, one of them sounded oddly like Henry.

Pushing upright, she looked around, confused. The last thing she remembered was being at work, she was still in work clothes, but they were parked in a park near a children’s playground. Clearing her throat, she called out. “Henry?”

She eyed him warily as he appeared but didn’t open the door. “I’m here.”

“Where are we?”

“A park.”

“…Why?”

“You needed a doctor, but I didn’t want you to feel trapped and confused, so I asked him to meet us here. We’re outside with other people around, I hoped that would help you feel safe.”

She could only stare at him.

“I know you don’t want to see a doctor, but Elizabeth and I think it’s the best way to help you. She made me promise to tell you though that you’re not losing your job or us. This is just to help. I have a friend who can help that she and I trust a lot. Would you talk to him and see if you can trust him too?”

Wondering what had happened, she looked around the park. She wasn’t trapped here. She wasn’t at the mercy of anyone here. Henry brought her somewhere she could feel safe, she’d never had someone care about how she felt before. Not before them. “O-okay.”

“Okay?”

Nadine nodded. “Okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

Staring at the glass on the floor, Nadine’s eyes welled up with tears. Things had been going so well up to now! Elizabeth had been so kind to her over the past month and she was slowly gaining trust in Henry, but now it was all ruined.

Dropping the binders on Elizabeth’s desk, she sank to her knees to start clearing up the shards of glass, dropping them into the trashcan quickly. Maybe if she cleaned up after herself, she wouldn’t get into trouble.

She could remember the first time she’d broken something of Vincent’s, it had been the first time he’d gotten angry with her. She had been living then in the small apartment he’d gotten her, decorated with things of his choosing. It wasn’t to her tastes, but he’d told her that was what sophistication looked like and she’d get used to it.

It’d been a vase then and he’d been washing up in the bathroom when it’d hit the floor. Nadine’s mind went back to the look on his face as he’d stepped out to see the mess. The anger in his eyes and the way he’d unbuckled his belt as he’d walked toward her.

She began to shake as her fingers searched for shards of glass in the carpet.

Vincent hadn’t said a word as he’d taught her a lesson about being careful with others’ things. Nadine had understood his anger, he’d spent money on the vase and her carelessness had ruined it. Now her carelessness had broken Elizabeth’s frame. She had no idea what Elizabeth would want to do about it. They hadn’t discussed punishments except for when Henry mentioned she was probably too old for them. But now…

Her palm found a bit of glass and she hissed, yanking her hand up as she stared at the way the shard jutted out of her palm, blood oozing from around it. There was still glass to clear up, however, so with her other hand, she kept cleaning, praying the blood wouldn’t drip anywhere while she finished.

The pain bit at her each time she moved, making tears fill her eyes. Elizabeth would be in soon and there couldn’t be a mess. She didn’t want to find out what might happen if there was a mess. That the frame was broken was going to be bad enough.

=

Elizabeth stepped off the elevator and paused. Even when she was in early, Nadine seemed to somehow always know and met her. Glancing around the floor, she took the path that led past the offices instead of through the main hall. Peeking her head into Nadine’s office, she looked around. Her jacket was on the coatrack and the computer was on.

Backtracking, she stepped into the break room, fully expecting to see Nadine making a cup of tea, but the room was silent. Elizabeth crossed to room, peering at the selection of yesterday’s fruit before carefully touching the side of the teakettle. Cold. Either Nadine hadn’t made any tea yet or she’d been in so long already that morning that it’d had time to go cold again.

As she walked down the hall toward her own office, she wasn’t surprise that the other offices were still dark. Jay and the others wouldn’t be in for another hour or two yet. As she stepped through her doorway, a smile crossed her face. Nadine was quietly standing near her desk. “Good morning, Nadine!” She cheerfully greeted. “How was your evening? Did you decide on a book to read?” With the much shorter hours she was allowing her to work, Elizabeth had been encouraging Nadine to find things enjoyable to do with her evenings.

She watched as Nadine slowly looked up, eyes wide with fear. As she stepped closer, she could see that Nadine was trembling. It was reminiscent of that first weekend when she and Henry had found out.

“Nadine? What’s wrong?”

Gingerly, with her left hand, Nadine held out the broken frame. “I’m sorry.”

Elizabeth placed her bags on the couch and crossed the room, taking the frame as she noticed the trashcan had been moved. “You cleaned it up already?”

Nadine nodded.

“Thank you. And thank you for telling me. I’ll put the frame in my bag and Henry can run out at some point and get a new piece of glass for it.” She reached for the phone. “I think I ought to see if we can’t get a janitor up here quickly with a vacuum just in case though. Those little shards of glass could be dangerous.” She began dialing the extension, glancing back twice at how Nadine seemed to just be waiting. Once the request was made, she gave her her full attention. “What’s wrong?”

“What will you do to me?” Her eyes stayed firmly on the floor.

“What do you mean?”

“I- I broke your things.”

“An accident. You cleared up the worst of the mess and told me, a janitor is on their way up to make sure it’s cleared up the rest of the way.”

“But- But it was still something of yours and I- I broke it.”

Elizabeth studied her closely, reminding herself that she’d left the door open when she’d walked in. She ducked her head to catch a view of Nadine’s face as she dropped her voice. “What was the punishment before?”

Nadine’s head snapped up, eyes wide. She didn’t want that, didn’t want the kinds of things Vincent did to her. Not now, not before she had to work all day. He’d done that on a few occasions, punished her so hard it’d made the day unbearable to get through. She wasn’t certain she could handle that anymore.

“Shh.” Elizabeth’s hands raised and then paused before brushing along her arms. Careful not to invade her space too quickly. “I don’t want to do whatever it was.” The response came in the form of a whisper so soft, she didn’t catch any of it. “I’m sorry?” She leaned in.

“Most of the time he used a belt. It wasn’t his favorite, he’d said, but he always had one on.”

Her mind went back to the scars she’d seen. “That’s not happening today.”

“Then what?” It almost sounded like begging.

“We’re going to walk to the break room together and I’ll make us both a drink. We’ll find something to eat to hold us over and then just take a minute before the day starts. I think today needs a bit of a reset. We need those sometimes.” Gingerly, Elizabeth looped their arms together and started leading her back down the hall. “When the kids were all little, especially Alison, sometimes a morning just wasn’t going well and we’d even go so far as to climbing back into bed for ten or fifteen minutes. After that we’d get up and start all over again. Sometimes a day just needs a do-over.”

At their destination, she nudged Nadine toward a table. “You sit, it’s been a rough morning. I’ll take care of everything.” She opened a cabinet, looking over the assortment of teas that Blake kept organized before tugging out a chamomile and finding Nadine’s favorite mug. “Blake’s not in yet, so all we have are leftovers from yesterday, but there’s an apple that looks healthy enough and peach that is still the right color all over.” She chuckled, hoping her observations would amuse the other woman, but they fell flat.

“Nadine?” When brown eyes flitted up to her, she gave her a soft smile. “Did you have breakfast today?”

Nadine nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay.” She backed off getting her to eat something, instead focusing on making their drinks. When she placed both of them on the table, Elizabeth paused when Nadine lifted her tea with her left hand to take a sip, her right hand staying firmly in her lap. “What’s wrong with your hand?”

“What?”

Elizabeth reached across the table. “What’s wrong with your right hand? Did something happen to it?”

Nervously, Nadine lifted her fist and placed it on the table, watching almost detachedly as Elizabeth tugged her fingers open.

The blood was dry and flecking on her skin, but she could still make out the tiny cuts. “Did you cut your hand on the glass while you were cleaning up?” She waited for some sort of response that didn’t come. “Why didn’t you tell me you got hurt?” Elizabeth stood and pulled off a paper towel, running it under a stream of water. In the distance, she could make out footsteps and turned just as Blake started to round the corner. She met his eyes and gave a sharp shake of her head, sending him backing out of the room again without a single question. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Is there any glass still in there?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Okay.” She gingerly washed her palm. “None of them need medical attention. If they reopen while you’re working, you come tell me though, okay?”

Nadine nodded. “Okay.”

“I want to know if you’re hurt, Nadine. Not to punish you or make you feel bad about it, but because everyone needs looking after sometimes.”

She wasn’t certain how to respond to her boss’s words. So far this morning, she’d broken something, panicked, and now had admitted she’d hurt herself and instead of anger, she’d been met with calm and compassion. “I- I don’t understand.”

Elizabeth’s brows pulled together. “Don’t understand what?”

“Wh- why aren’t you angry?” Flashes of the look Vincent would get in his eyes flickered into her memory and she shuddered. Maybe… “Will Henry be angry?” She’d not seen him even remotely upset, but then she wasn’t sure most people had ever seen the side of Vincent she’d known either.

“No. He might be worried you got hurt and he’ll be sad that you’re scared, but he won’t be angry.” Elizabeth paused, just studying her. On the good days, which seemed to be the norm most of the time, she couldn’t see a single difference in Nadine compared to every other employee in the building. The every day Nadine was perfectly capable to do her job and ran circles around the rest of them, but every once in a while, Elizabeth was starting to see, something threw everything off and her capable Chief of Staff became almost childlike. It made her feel very maternal toward the other woman. “How about you have the day off, hm? It’ll hurt to write anyway and it’s nice out. You could take a walk?”

Nadine shook her head silently.

“Okay.” If she was going to stay, then they needed to find a way to get her back into the right frame of mind to work before the others turned up. “What do you need to restart your day? We could call you doctor and talk to him on the phone? Would that help?”

Nadine thought hard, staring at her hand. Her day had been going well until she’d knocked the frame to the floor. She wondered if what Elizabeth had mentioned would help. “Could I…”

“Could you what?”

“Could I go back home and start over?” She dared glance up at Elizabeth, but when she did, she was wearing a small smile.

“Yes. Would you like someone to drive you?”

She was surprised by the offer. For someone to drive her they would have to go out of their way to not be at work. They’d have to interrupt their lives just for her. “No, thank you.”

“Okay.” Elizabeth stood. “Take your time and you can call Henry or I if you need anything or if you decide to not come right back. Just let me know.”

“Okay.” She nodded, following Elizabeth back down the hall as far as her own office. On her own, she gathered her things just like she was leaving for the evening only…

She began to pace her office. When she was working, there was always a reason to be going somewhere and it never bothered her, but going home this early in the day, it felt wrong. Really wrong. Elizabeth needed her to be better, to be on her game, but she couldn’t do that if she wasn’t here. She couldn’t do her job if she wasn’t here to do her job.

She couldn’t leave. She couldn’t just walk away when there was so much to be done. She’d already wasted who knows how long by making a mess and getting hurt… And then needing looked after.

=

Elizabeth started sorting out the files that had been in her bag, staking them based on what needed priority and what was done and could be handed off to Blake. She had all her stacks organized when he appeared through her doorway. “Oh, good. I have all these for you to process.” She picked up the stack for him.

“I, um…” He paused, taking the pile distractedly.

“What, Blake?”

He looked unsure. “Was Nadine headed somewhere?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“She’s… in her office with her things but she’s just pacing. I- I know there are things we don’t talk about… sometimes… about her. I- I know you’ve asked me before to look out for her, I just… it felt like something you should know.”

She should’ve known she’d never keep Blake from paying attention, it was pretty much exactly why she hired him. And after the incident upstairs, which he’d never once asked about or even hinted that he remembered, she knew he was well aware there was something different about Nadine. “Thank you, Blake.” She stood to walk past him. “Actually… could you grab whatever you need to leave for a bit? There may be something you can do to help.”

“I’ll do anything.”

“I know. Mostly I’m going to ask you to not ask any questions right now.”

“I can do that.”

“Let me go talk to Nadine but if you could just hover nearby in case I call you?” She watched him nod. “Thank you, Blake.” Leaving him to do what he needed, Elizabeth made her way quietly into Nadine’s office, waiting until she paced close and then gently stopped her. “Can I give you a hug?” She kept her voice low.

After a beat, Nadine nodded.

Wrapping her in a hug, Elizabeth drew a steadying breath and let it out slowly. “Talk to me.”

“I need to do my job. If I go home then I’m not doing the job I am supposed to do and it’s not fair to everyone else.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I know it feels like that, but it’s not true. Going home for a bit is helping.”

“How?”

“Because it helps you feel better. Blake is going to go with you, you trust him and you like him, right?” She knew Nadine liked and trusted all the senior staff, but there was something about Blake, maybe the way he never seemed to judge anyone about anything, that she’d found acted as a bit of a balm to Nadine on harder days. A few times it had been as simple as asking him to hang back and work around the office while she’d gone to meetings, just so he was a presence on the floor.

Nadine gave a slight nod, already looking out the glass for any sign that someone was watching them.

“He can ride and you can drive or he can drive you, whatever you want. You decide where to go and what to do and he’ll be right there. Is that okay?”

“Yes.” It would be easier to keep focused if she wasn’t alone. “Blake will go with me.” She repeated to herself.

Elizabeth backed away and turned, waving Blake closer. “Nadine is going to go home for a bit. Can you please go with her and help her with whatever she needs?”

“Of course.”

She turned back to Nadine. “Why don’t you go to the elevator and he’ll meet you there in just a second.” She watched Nadine slip quietly away before turning back to him. “If she wants to stay home or go anywhere else, just go with it. Keep me updated though.”

“I will.” He agreed.

“And Blake? If she looks like she’s getting agitated or upset? Call Henry or I immediately.” She watched him nod again. “Thank you.”

Walking back to her own office, Elizabeth tried to push the image of Nadine looking so scared to admit something was wrong out of her mind, but it was hard. When the others wandered through and asked where she was, the image of her looking up, eyes wide, reappeared.

When Nadine came in again, whether it was today or tomorrow, she’d have to suggest coming over for dinner again so she could see they weren’t angry with her.


	5. Chapter 5

Elizabeth finished carrying things to the table and stepped back, looking it all over. She’d finally coaxed Nadine into coming for dinner again, something that had ended up being no small feat. She’d been having mostly good days lately and Elizabeth knew she was regularly seeing Raymond.

She did her best to keep the workday predictable and calm, though in their lives either could come unraveled at a moment’s notice. She’d had a chance to talk to Conrad alone and had asked him about how well he’d known Vincent. He’d admitted that Vincent had been a bit reticent about his personal life, but had been a good man and a good Secretary. For as long as she’d known Conrad, Elizabeth highly doubted he would’ve tolerated Vincent abusing anyone if he’d known.

“This is the last of it.” Henry carried the dish holding the main course to the table. “She should be here any minute, right?”

Elizabeth checked her watch. “I expected her to be here already.”

“Do you think something happened?”

“I hope not.” Elizabeth walked to the door and then stepped out onto the sidewalk, glancing at the agents milling about. “Have any of you spotted Nadine arriving?”

Carl gestured halfway down the block. “A car arrived about five minutes ago but the driver hasn’t gotten out. It looks to be the right make and model.”

“Thank you.” Leaving them to follow her, Elizabeth walked up the block, spotting Nadine sitting in her car. Testing the handle on the passenger door, she popped the latch and slid into the seat, closing them in. “Nadine? Is something wrong?”

She watched as Nadine swallowed and then shook her head.

“Do you want to come in?” There was no reaction, so she tried another question. “Are you hungry?”

Nadine nodded.

“Henry made chicken kiev. It’s ready to eat inside. Did… Did something happen since you left the office today?”

Another shake of her head.

“I need you to talk to me. What do you need? Are you- are you worried about something? Scared?”

“Henry.”

Elizabeth put out her hand over the center space between the seats and waited. Sometimes Nadine would reach out and take her hand, but not always. Henry was definitely still someone she knew the other woman struggled to be around at times. During the work day if he appeared, there was a script Nadine could follow, a professional way to interact with him that she stuck to and Henry never pushed. In a more intimate setting it was a bit different. “What if… What if I asked him to already be seated at the table when we go in? That way you know exactly what to expect from him?”

Nadine let that roll around in her head a minute. She had only had a limited number of meetings with her boss’s husband in a casual setting, but it was enough to know he was a much more open and expressive person away from the office. She found herself anxious, especially here where he had the upper hand in his own home. But if he stayed seated, she’d be able to predict what he might do next.

Cautiously, she placed her hand in Elizabeth’s. Once her relationship had started with Vincent, and even at times prior to it, he had always held her hand. Somewhere along the way, she’d begun to depend on having that small connection to keep herself grounded and feeling secure. Nadine had no idea whether Elizabeth knew that or had just worked out that holding hands helped her, but it was still comforting to have the opportunity to have that connection. Slowly, she looked up and actually met Elizabeth’s eyes, something else she’d been working on, for a brief moment before nodding.

“Okay. I’ll tell him.” Elizabeth pulled away. “Do you want to walk in with me?”

“Yes.”

“Come on then. Let’s go eat dinner.”

=MS=

It had helped, Nadine realized as she picked at her meal, having Henry stay in one spot for the entire meal. Around her, husband and wife had carried on a conversation without forcing her to join in. As she listened, the fingers of her left hand tapped against her leg. She wanted to do better.

Vincent had been strict about casual conversation with men, but perhaps it really wasn’t much different that conversations with women. “H-henry? How was work today?”

The room went silent for several long seconds and when she glanced up, he was wearing a look of surprise. “It was good, Nadine. Thank you for asking. How was your day? Did anything interesting happen?”

She risked looking at Elizabeth as well only to see she looked pleased at something she’d done. “Not today, no.”

“I think boring days are the best.” Elizabeth chuckled.

“No you do not.” It was out before Nadine even realized she was speaking and in a flash she went from nervously eager to retreating again. She ducked her face to hide behind her hair. “Sorry.”

Elizabeth laughed a moment before calming. “It’s fine, Nadine. That was funny.”

“It was?”

“Yes. And it was correct too. I don’t like boring days because I get, well, bored.” When Nadine risked lifting her head again, Elizabeth was grinning. “It’s Blake who dreams of boring days because then his schedule runs like clockwork and I’m easier to manage.”

Feeling emboldened by Elizabeth’s reaction to her last comment, Nadine smiled as well. “Unfortunately for him, you stay where he puts you on the busy days and wander off, leaving him in a state of panic when it’s quiet. He can’t win either way.”

“I have to keep him on his toes. The two of you seemed to be thick as thieves today putting together that resiliency plan.”

She had worried at several points during the day if Elizabeth minded having her assistant so tied up with other tasks. “I hope it wasn’t a problem, him helping me.”

“Not at all. Blake likes having the chance to put his degree to work and I know you enjoy working with him, don’t you?”

Nadine nodded. “I do.” Without being aware of it, her left fingers stopped their tapping and her hand came up to rest on the table. “He’s very… intuitive. At- at first it bothered me, but some days it’s nice to not need to express myself to be understood. I don’t have to spell it out to him.”

She noticed Elizabeth exchange a small smile with Henry that she didn’t understand before speaking. “That’s part of why I hired him, honestly. I didn’t really know what to expect in this job and I knew he could read a situation on the fly and make snap changes. That’s all on top of his list of other skills. I think it’s served him well in his role.”

“I agree.” As the conversation shifted from topic to topic, Nadine felt herself relaxing more than she had in a long time around either of them. By the time the meal was over, she found herself wishing she could stay instead of eager to flee.

It seemed Elizabeth was just as intuitive as her assistant as she walked Nadine to the door. “You know, Nadine, there’s a standing invitation to come for dinner or- really any time you want to come by. I can’t guarantee the house will always be quiet, but we will always make room for you.”

“I- I appreciate that.”

“And if you need to ever borrow Blake, for a big thing or for a little thing, that’s okay too.” She pulled the door open. “You okay getting to your car?”

“I am. Thank you.”

“Have a good night.” Once the door was shut, Elizabeth turned back to Henry. “Did you see that?”

He was smiling. “She relaxed. I think that was the first time I’ve ever seen her stop whatever tic she was doing that day.” It seemed Nadine’s tics varied by day and situation. “I don’t think she even noticed.”

“No, I don’t either. But, Henry… She relaxed with you here. The only time she’s done that before was when she’s gotten so emotionally overwhelmed that she shut down entirely.”

He pulled her into a hug. “I know. And things have been better at work?”

“Lately, yes.” She tipped her face up to him. “I know she’s been talking regularly to your friend, but she admitted to me earlier this week that occasionally she still has nightmares. She looked worried I would say something about it, but she still opened up to me.”

“It’s all progress. Remember though, Babe, that it’s all about baby steps.”

“I know. It’s a long road to progress.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS!!! 
> 
> Italics are flashbacks and flashback to violence/abuse. They can be skipped and the story still followed.

_“What do you mean you were asleep?!”_

_Vincent’s voice made her tremble. “I’m s-sorry!”_

_“You answered a call from the President’s Chief of Staff sounded like that?! How the hell is that professional?” He grabbed for her, managing a handful of hair before she had time to get out of reach. “Why can’t you just learn?!”_

_Her whole body convulsed as she sobbed. “I was tired! I was up so late rewriting those speeches you didn’t like!” She fought his grasp hard and when he suddenly let go with a shove, she stumbled to the floor. They were in her apartment and it was early, before dawn. Vincent had turned up right after she’d passed the message to him._

_Before she could protect herself, the pointed end of a wingtip connected with her ribs. “Get up!”_

_She scrambled to her feet. “I’ll do better!”_

_“I know you will.” He sneered, getting in her face. “I want you dressed and at your desk immediately. Wear something nice so I can see your arms and legs whenever I want to.” She nodded vigorously as he carried on with his demands. “I’ve clearly been giving you too much rope lately. I think you should just work through at the office tonight, no going home. You need a refresher on how to behave professionally under all circumstances.”_

_Nadine gulped. “No. No, no, please no.”_

_“No breaks. Not without my permission.” He began to storm out of her place. “Nothing, Nadine. I mean it. When I go looking for you, you better be hard at work.”_

_“Yes, Sir.” She stood perfectly straight, not showing any hint that she was in pain, until he left. Once he was gone, she ignored the kitchen to begin rushing through the process of getting dressed and using the restroom. It would be the last time she’d have such a luxury until Vincent gave her permission again._

===

Nadine gasped awake and sat up in bed, haunting memories of the nightmare leaving her shaken and crying. It’d been the third nightmare in a single night and she was exhausted and felt sick to her stomach from them.

Afraid to attempt sleep again, Nadine crawled out of bed, shivering against the cold as she curled instead in a chair in the corner. She tried to remember the soft, thick pajamas Elizabeth had let her borrow months ago. She didn’t own any like that, Vincent preferred her always wearing something light, small, and revealing just in case he ever turned up unannounced. On cold nights, she wished she did have something warm to wear.

She didn’t move until her phone rang an hour later, still before five in the morning, and she saw it was Russell. At least this time she was awake and could sound professional as he ranted about the disaster unfolding in Yemen.

She listened politely until he wore his tirade out and got to the point of his call. Once the line disconnected, she dialed Elizabeth to share the unfortunate news. “Ma’am, you’re needed at the White House, Yemen is erupting. Would you like me to call Blake in as well?”

“No, he’s had to take the day for a family situation. We’re on our own. Can you put a cover on his desk?”

“Of course, Ma’am.” Ending the call, she fisted her hands to make them stop shaking. If Yemen was coming apart so early in their day, then chances were Elizabeth would be spending most of her day at the White House and with Blake out as well, Nadine was going to be on her own. She had to get it together and not let nightmares about Vincent disrupt her day.

===

For as chaotic as the day was, on the surface it was still business as usual. When it came to running the place and managing the staff, she knew the script and how to keep the cogs turning. In the past, that helped soothe her mind, but today… Today all she could think about was the memory of Vincent beating her, degrading her, dictating her punishments for failing.

Twice before lunch she’d gone into the corner office only to remember once she got there that Elizabeth was out.

Her hands shook as she toyed with her glasses and tucked back her hair. Her chest burned when she tried to remember how to breathe. She couldn’t remember any of the techniques the doctor had been teaching her. Tapping her fingers wasn’t helping today, neither was pacing her office. Those weren’t what she was supposed to do, but sometimes they helped.

Elizabeth would be able to tell her what she was supposed to do… But she wasn’t here. Nadine looked around. Blake could help too, but he was away as well. She picked up her phone to call one of them, but put it down again. They were busy, she couldn’t interrupt.

Standing, she tried pacing again as Vincent’s voice echoed around in her head. No longer used to being starved, her stomach ached with not being fed today. It sounded wrong now, but his words lingered, reminding her she wasn’t allowed to eat. Her head was foggy and throbbing. The office held far too much stimulation and she couldn’t get free of it. She couldn’t run away from it today, she was the only one here to be in charge.

She didn’t notice the afternoon hours ticking by, too caught up in her memories. The dull gnaw of hunger increased, reminding her of the times she’d surrendered to it only to get caught, reminding her of the things Vincent would do when he caught her. As the floor emptied for the day, another spasming pain stared low in her abdomen. That had been one of Vincent’s favorite ways to remind her of how to focus on duty first. When he felt she needed reminded of duty, he only allowed her to use the restroom on his word… When he remembered. The trick had been to not drink anything, staying a bit dehydrated decreased the risk of accidents.

Tears gathered in her eyes. His voice made her want to scream, but she had to remain professional. She had to do her job.

===

_After hours in the office was always a mixed bag of what could happen. Today had been a bad day, Nadine just knew it. Vincent had gone out for a meeting and she’d snuck a brownie someone had brought in and he’d found out when he’d come back._

_Shoulders curled inward, she let herself into the office and dutifully locked the door._

_“You know better than to eat here.” He must’ve been in the bathroom because he was at her back before she could even turn around._

_“No-no one saw me. I hid with it.”_

_“I don’t care.” He grabbed her hard, shoving her against the closet door. “You broke my rules.”_

_She nodded furiously. “I know.”_

_“Why don’t you learn?”_

_“I- I want to! I want to learn! I didn’t break any other rules today!” She was spun around quickly and with a gasp of pain, slammed back against the same door. “Please, no?” She tossed her hands up to shield herself, but the heel of a shoe landed hard on the top of her foot, twisting and grinding into exposed skin. She wanted to scream, but that would only draw attention. “I won’t eat another brownie! I won’t eat again!”_

_“I’ll make sure you don’t eat again until I tell you to.” He yanked her forward and reached for the doorknob to the closet as she began to beg. Ignoring her, he shoved her to the floor inside and slammed the door shut, locking it._

_The closet was completely black and cramped between his heavy coats and spare suits. She couldn’t stand upright and even sitting was limited. “Please? Please, I followed your other rules today?” She gasped, her breathing coming in short pants. “I thought you would give me permission now that everyone was gone.” Through the heavy wood, she realized she could hear him collecting his things to go home and began to panic. He’d done this before, leaving her locked in his closet overnight, but never after a full day of not eating or using the restroom. The room outside the closet went silent and she knew she was alone. Curling into a ball, she let herself silently cry._

===

Nadine had no idea how she got from her office to Georgetown in the darkness. She didn’t remember getting in her car or driving. Staring up the street at the security milling about, she debated just going home, but she couldn’t she _needed_ Elizabeth to say she’d done well today and maybe-maybe give her the permission she needed to hear. She needed to hear the Vincent wasn’t the one making the rules anymore, to override his voice that had spent all day in her head.

On shaky legs, she climbed out of her car and walked up the street, doing her best to avoid eye contact as she signed in on the log and waited for them to call inside. The door yanked open quickly and then Elizabeth was coming out to her, reaching for her, cooing gently to her. “I- I-”

“It’s okay. Come inside. The kids are all home, just so you know and one of Henry’s sisters is here.” With the front door closed, Elizabeth turned Nadine so they were face to face again. “You are safe here. Okay?”

Nadine nodded.

“Can I take your things and put them up?”

Another nod and then she let Elizabeth help her get out of her coat and scarf.

Elizabeth was speaking at little more than a whisper. “What do you need from me first?”

Now was the chance to get what she needed, what Vincent wouldn’t give her. “May I-” She couldn’t bring herself to ask, too ashamed. But there was also fear, if she didn’t get permission soon, then she’d eventually wet herself, no doubt angering everyone. Instead, she held herself very still, unsure what to say at all.

“Nadine?” Elizabeth tried to read her posture, her downturned face. They hadn’t seen one another all day, so she had no idea where to even begin sorting out the problem. Deciding to work from the biggest lingering issues downward, she gently touched her shoulder to catch her attention. “Go use the restroom and then I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Wide brown eyes came up to hers with an expression of relief. “Have you- Have you been today?”

“I-” Nightmares and reality were so tangled in her mind today that she couldn’t sort out what was current fact and what was memory. “I’m not allowed when I’ve been bad.”

Her mouth opened and closed twice before she settled on simple. “Go use the restroom. I’ll be in the kitchen with Henry.”

Nadine nodded again.

Turning toward the kitchen, Elizabeth wasn’t surprised when Henry met her in the doorway. “Problem?”

“It’s a bad day.” She leaned into his arms. “She’s confused and… upset.” She pulled away, patting his chest. “We need to warn the kids quickly.” Stepping away, Elizabeth crossed to the kitchen table. “Guys? Nadine is here and… Dad and I need you to just keep it calm tonight, okay?”

The girls agreed, but Jason balked. “Why? Why should we be any different to how we usually are just because someone from work is here?”

Elizabeth massaged her brow with the fingers of one hand. “Jason, please?”

“Fine!” He tossed his hands in the air.

“Who is this?” Maureen asked.

“My Chief of Staff. She’s… been through a lot and some days are harder for her than others.”

“And she just drops by unannounced and invades your time with your family?”

“She has no family. Henry and I told her she was welcome here any time.” She wondered why she was defending the running of her own house to _Maureen_ , of all people.

“Babe.” Henry softly spoke from across the room, silently indicating that Nadine had reappeared.

Meeting her at the doorway, Elizabeth gently guided her through, walking on the side of the island opposite to Henry. “You haven’t gotten to meet my kids yet. This is Jason and Alison and Stevie. And this is Henry’s sister, Maureen.” She let one hand drop to the small o Nadine’s back and felt how she shook. “We’re waiting on Thai to be delivered. There’ll be more than enough to share.”

“Oh, I- I couldn’t intrude on what everyone ordered for themselves.”

“We don’t order by person, we do it buffet style, but if you don’t want Thai, we have other options.” She looked at Nadine closely. “What have you had to eat today?”

Forcing herself, she stared back at Elizabeth, doing her best to think through the fog of emotions and pain. “I- I haven’t.”

Elizabeth looked back to Henry.

He pulled the fridge open. “I have vegetable soup made up and spinach salad with chicken and almonds?”

“S- soup.”

Henry grinned, pulling the container out. “Soup with sourdough bread and a bit of salad on the side, coming right up.” His hope was the more food he sat in front of her, the more she would try and eat. “Maureen brought down a fresh apple pie and a cherry pie, so I hope you’re in a pie mood. Stevie got vanilla ice cream earlier, so we can put that on whichever you choose.” He could see Maureen watching them, but he ignored her. Maureen asking questions or butting in would no doubt make Nadine shut down.

“Thank you.”

“Here, sit.” Elizabeth nudged her into a chair. “I’ll get you a glass of water.”

Nadine hadn’t anticipated there being so many people in the house, but she was thankful when they all returned to their previous discussions and ignored her. She could handle being ignored. When the food arrived, Henry placed the large bowl of soup and plate of other items in front of her carefully and wordlessly as everyone else filled plated with take-out. She felt oddly out of place here. Face downturned, she worked to concentrate on eating. He head still ached and she still felt foggy and dazed and didn’t even try to follow along with the conversations happening around her. She didn’t look up at all until Jason shouted, making her jump, her spoon clattering against the bowl where it splattered broth across the table and herself. The room grew quiet. “I’m sorry.” She softly apologized.

When Elizabeth’s hand touched her arm, she flinched. “Did any of it get on you?”

Her eyes looked down at her clothes. There were blotches of red broth and a small piece of carrot on her cream colored shirt. “I- I didn’t mean to-”

“I know.” Elizabeth stood. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Alison, could you please find something to handle what’s on the table?”

“Sure, Mom.”

Nadine let herself be herded to the sink, chewing her lip as Elizabeth wet a paper towel and placed it in her hand. She was struggling to remember what to do with it, what to do with anything. Vincent’s voice raged in her ears about the embarrassment she was and when the memory of him grabbing for her flash suddenly in her mind, she recoiled back, tripping over something and crashing to the floor before anyone could process what was going on. She cried out in pain and then clamped a hand over her mouth as she hid her face against the cabinet. Vincent hated her acting weak. Lost in her own memories, she didn’t register the conversation happening above her.

“What happened?” Ali’s voice held concern.

“She tripped over Jason’s shoes.” Elizabeth was doing her best to bloke everyone’s line of site to Nadine.

“Is she okay?” Stevie started to round the table until her dad stopped her.

“I think it only hurt her a bit.”

Annoyed, Stevie turned on Jason. “God, Jason, your carelessness has hurt someone now. I hope you’re happy!”

“How was I supposed to know she’d turn up and be all twitchy like that?!”

“You don’t leave shoes in the middle of the floor! Idiot!” Alison joined in.

“This is the kind of person you have working for you, Elizabeth? I’m surprised you get anything done at all.” Maureen finally gave her opinion. “How can she stand up to diplomats from other countries who want to hurt us when she can’t even handle dinner?”

“Stop, Maureen.” Henry finally cut in. “All of you, just stop.”

As they all fought, Elizabeth kept her eyes on Nadine, on the way her eyes were squeezed shut, brows tightly pushed together, how her right arm was curled protectively against her chest as if favoring an injury. At the way she hadn’t been herself since walking through the door, not really responding to anything at all. “Henry, make them leave.”

“Babe?”

“Make them leave. We need to get her calmed down.”

“And now we’re being kicked out of our own kitchen by a stranger!” Jason ranted.

“No.” Henry pointed to the stairs. “You’re being kicked out by your parents.” Once they were up the stairs, he turned to Maureen. “You may want to head up too. She… She will shut down again once she realizes she has an audience.”

“She’s a grown woman.”

Henry sighed, shaking his head. “Just… don’t say anything. Okay.”

“Fine.”

Turning his back on his sister, he focused on Elizabeth. “What can I do to help?”

“I- I don’t know. I don’t even know what led to this, Henry. I haven’t seen her all day, I’ve- I’ve barely spoken to her.”

“Could Blake give you an idea?”

“He wasn’t in.” Clueless as to what else to do, Elizabeth sat on the floor and scooted close, shifting Nadine so she was against her side. “The noise is gone. You’re safe here. No one is mad at you.” Unsure what else to do, Elizabeth decided all that was left was to wait.

===

Nadine came around to the sound of soft voices talking to one another. Her muscles ached from being tense and after a minute of trying, she finally got her body to relax.

“Nadine?” Elizabeth’s voice was gentle. “Can you look up at me?”

She obliged.

“Talk to me.”

She didn’t speak at first, instead slowly taking in their surroundings. They were on the kitchen floor. “I keep hearing him. I- I see him when I sleep.”

“You have nightmares?”

She nodded against her shoulder.

Elizabeth hugged her tighter. “He’s not here anymore. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night. I- I was so scared.” She took a too-quick breath but then Elizabeth’s hand was rubbing her arm. “He kicked me. He- he said I had to learn my lesson and I tried so hard to be good, I really did!” Her words sped up as she began to panic again. “It’s just so hard. There- there were brownies and I ate where no one would see me, I promised no one saw me, but I still ended up on the closet and he didn’t care that I’d followed the other rule and I had to stay all night.” She gasped for air. “When he came back and saw the mess I made, he said- he said I was an embarrassment and pathetic and I- I tried so hard.” She scrambled suddenly, wanting Elizabeth to understand that she’d really tried. “I didn’t want to break the rule or make a mess, but it just- it _hurt_. I- I know better now. No brownies.”

Elizabeth had tried to keep up with all of it as it tumbled out. The physical abuse didn’t surprise her anymore. She was aware now, aside from the obvious scars, just how violent Vincent would get with her. And she knew he starved her to keep her compliant. “Nadine, hey.” She worked to get her to tip her face up. “It was all a dream. Okay? Can I ask… What closet did he put you in?”

Nadine blinked, trying to process that she’d told her that. “The one in his office. It locks form the outside. It gets really dark in there.”

“I bet.” She petted her hair. “And he did that because you snuck food?”

“Mm hmm.”

“Nadine? What was the other rule?” She watched the embarrassment flame across her face. “You can tell me.” She whispered it.

“He was mad because I was sleepy when I answered a work call, so… the second rule was no breaks of any kind unless he said so.”

“So, no bathroom breaks?”

Nadine shook her head.

“And he locked you in a closet all night. Hungry and without a bathroom.” She didn’t need to ask to understand what the rest of it had meant. Between pain, fear, and everything else she must’ve been dealing with at the time, nearly twenty-four hours without a restroom break would have had only one end result. “You dreamed about all that last night?” She watched her nod. “You’ve had a very long day. You turned up here because you needed help. I’m happy you came to us. Today must’ve been very scary and stressful. How are you doing now? You used the restroom when you came in and you’ve eaten a fair amount of your dinner.” She could feel where Nadine was starting to sag against her shoulder.

“My head hurts.”

“Henry?”

“On it.” He appeared from around the corner, carefully stepping around to find a bottle and get a fresh glass of water.

When they helped her to her feet, Nadine suddenly became aware of the other person still in the room and froze.

“It’s okay. That’s Henry’s sister, Maureen.” She said it as if she hadn’t made the introductions earlier. “She’s going to stay there, so how about you and I go in the living room and talk, hmm?” She started to lead Nadine away. “I can dial Raymond for you and you can talk to him for a bit? Would you like that?”

Once the pair was gone, Henry turned to his sister.

“What was that?” Maureen frowned.

“Nadine is… brilliant at her job, but-”

“-Is a mental case?”

“No! She went through something very traumatic for a long time and every once in a while it just catches up with her. Today sounded like a collision of multiple things that triggered her and no outlet to cope.”

“Such as?”

“Maureen, it’s none of your business. I know you like to make your snap judgments, but she’s so much more than what you’ve seen tonight.” He looked toward the front, concerned at the quiet.

“Are you going to rush in there too?”

“No. She’s still fairly wary of me on the best of days.” He sighed. “I just need to see that they’re both okay, I’ll be right back.” He cut through the dining room and looked into the living room. Elizabeth was sitting at one end of the couch as Nadine laid down, using her lap as a pillow. Nadine had her phone pressed to her ear. He guessed that she was speaking to her doctor and backed out again, leaving them in peace. Later, Elizabeth would tell him what he’d missed as they’d sat on the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

Elizabeth waited for Blake to hurry into the office before setting down her pen. “I need you to change up my schedule today.” His frown made her almost smile. “Not all day, just… I need to clear time for a lunch away from the office. Forty-five minutes at least, longer would be nice.”

“Did something come up in your-”

“No. I’m thinking it’ll be a park lunch.”

Blake smiled. “Lunch with Henry then.”

She shook her head again. “No.”

Confused, she watched him try to come up with another name.

“You’re having lunch with me today, Blake. Just you and me. I want somewhere where we can have a conversation without being overheard. Can you arrange that and make it happen?”

He nodded. “I’ll make it be so.”

“Thank you.”

===

Lunch had ended up a little later than normal to make it work and she could see Blake was anxious to find out what it was about, but she let him hang until they found a bench where her detail would be willing to widen the perimeter.

Once seated, Blake opened the two bagged lunches, passing her her sandwich and a bottle of water before working on his own.

Taking a bite, Elizabeth stared at their surroundings. “I know you’re wondering why I’m doing this.”

“It did cross my mind to be curious.”

“I wanted to talk to you about Nadine.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see she had his attention now as he stared at her. “Obviously, nothing we discuss ever leaves this moment.”

“Obviously.”

“Vincent Marsh was, secretly, an abuser. He used fear and power to control his victims by cutting them off from all other means of support, controlling everything from food consumption to human interaction to so much more. He was physically violent… mentally, emotionally…”

His brows pulled together. “And that has to do with Nadine…”

She drew a breath. “He met her when she was very young, just out of college and still finding her place and he used that to start manipulating her.” The only sound between them was of birds and passers-by for several minutes. “We’re talking decades of abuse. And yes, she knows I am speaking to you.”

“I- I don’t understand.”

“I know you’ve noticed that some days she… has very bad days…”

Blake nodded. “The day on the eighth floor-”

“-The man you two met with that day was allowed, by Marsh, to abuse her as well.”

“And the day I took her home?”

“She was afraid of being beaten for breaking something.” When he stayed quiet, she turned to him. “I’m sure you’re wondering why you’re being told now.”

“Yes.”

“When work is going well, when Nadine’s day is going as planned, she knows the script and is perfectly fine. She struggles, however, to rebalance when something happens. She has a doctor, and he helps tremendously, but when it gets really bad she needs reminded.”

“Of?”

“That she’s safe. To call her doctor. To breathe. She’s learning to trust finding me in those moments, but I’m not always available. She trusts you.”

“She- she does?”

Elizabeth nodded. “I don’t know why, she never really expressed it, but one of us always needs to be reachable and if she reaches out to you, I just need you to understand how to help her.”

“But… why?”

“Why? Because of the same reasons I hired you.” She gestured to the bench. “Things like this. You know when I need you to talk about nothing just to fill the air and when I need you to sit in silence. You know when to make me take a break, or a walk. You’re perceptive. I’m finding that when she’s headed toward a crisis, she isn’t very good at verbalizing it.”

“So I, what, sit with her?”

There was a slow nod. “Sit with her, close her blinds for her, take her for a walk or out somewhere. This is a request that you please give her as much attention as you do me. If she seems agitated or upset, please don’t just walk away. She’s… she’s a wonderful employee and I don’t want this to be the thing that ends her career. I want to help her.”

“I understand. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

“I know. She doesn’t want anyone to know, but something happened recently after which I finally got her talking about what real steps we can take at work to help her start to heal. She… she wasn’t willing at first to have you know, but a few sessions with her doctor and she started to see how it could help. She still didn’t want to be present for this conversation though.” She stuffed her trash back into the back, handing it over when Blake reached for it. “We tried, believe me.”

Silently, Blake stood and carried their trash to a can and came back. “Is there anything I should avoid doing? Is there… is there anything I need to know?”

“Make sure she can see you, or at least knows where you are. Don’t- don’t just touch her. Make sure she sees your hands and if you can, actually tell her and give her a second before you do it. Talk through whatever you’re doing. Sometimes- sometimes you have to intuitively guess what she needs to hear. If she’s shutting down, start by…” She trailed off.

“… Ma’am?”

Elizabeth stared at her hands. “Never ask why about anything.”

“I understand.”

She sucked in a breath. “If she’s in distress and you are trying to calm her? Start by sending her to use the restroom and then get her to eat and drink something, even if she acts disinterested.” She twisted, watching him.

Taking that in, Blake stared at the grass, filing that into different places until a short list of ‘why’s came to mind. His eyes met hers.

“And you can’t ask why. I’m sorry.”

“Is-” He cleared his throat. “Is that all?”

“I have one from me.” She watched him nod. “Never, ever open my coat closet with her in the room, _especially_ if her back is turned.”

He started to nod and then stopped. A moment later, a look of horror started to cross his face.

“Yeah.”

Blake shook his head. “I will never open it when she is in your office. That’s…”

“I know.”

They sat in silence for ten minutes, just watching the world go by. When it was close to time to get back, Blake turned to Elizabeth again. “I’m glad he’s dead.”

There was another minute of silence. “Me too, Blake. Me too.”


	8. Chapter 8

Anxiously, Nadine sat behind her desk and waited, fingers tapping out a rhythm against her legs as she chewed her lip. Elizabeth had said she was speaking to Blake yesterday, but then the afternoon had been chaos and she’d not seen him the rest of the day. Now, he was due to stroll into her office any minute to have their normal morning schedule review.

When he brushed in as he usually did, a coffee in one hand and a fresh tea for her in the other, his folder tucked under his arm, she jumped a bit, releasing her lip and stilling her hand.

“Good morning, Nadine!” He grinned, settling into his usual spot. “Sorry I’m a bit behind, the bakery had some new items for me to peruse.”

“It’s not a problem.” She watched him, nervously anxious to find the point where he started treating her differently. Nothing about him looked different though, not the frequency at which he looked up at her, not the _way_ he looked at her. By the time they got to the bottom of the schedule, she was beginning to wonder if Elizabeth had said anything to him at all.

Blake closed his folder and started to stand to head for his desk.

“Blake?” Her fingers were back to tapping before he turned back around. “Can I- Can I ask you something?”

She looked up at him, watching the way he studied her before closing her door and sitting again. Before she could start, he spoke. “Yes, the Secretary spoke to me.”

Despite the lack of judgment in his eyes, she still averted her gaze in shame.

“I won’t ever claim to understand. That would be false and dismissive of your experiences. But… I can tell you that I will never, ever turn you away.” The room went quiet for a minute. “I do have one question.”

Shrinking herself back in her seat, she stared at him, waiting.

“It’s only- Is there anything I need to stop doing?”

That wasn’t at all what she was expecting. She’d been expecting him to ask how she’d gotten to this point or maybe something more prying into her behavior. “I- What?”

“Is there anything I do that makes you uncomfortable?”

At first, there had been. She hadn’t known when and where to expect Blake to pop up and it had frightened her, but she’d slowly learned that there was rhyme and reason to what he did. The things he did now were so small by comparison. Eyes landing on her desk, she wasn’t sure how to say it without upsetting him, so she stayed quiet.

Blake had been, since walking through the door, watching Nadine the entire time. He saw now how anxious she was, the small tics she used. He saw when she drew back at his question and the way she was withdrawing now. There clearly was something she wished he would change, but she looked afraid to ask for it. Using some guesswork and thinking back to other interactions, he assembled a few guesses. “There is something I do that scares you.” He caught as her eyes flicked up. “How about this? I do not want to ever be the reason you are scared or are anxious. I want to make it a thing where you can tell me if what I’m doing needs to stop. You can tell me to my face, you can text me, you can write it on a piece of paper and hand it to me. I won’t be mad, I won’t stop helping you… Okay?”

After a moment, she nodded. “Okay.” She wasn’t certain how much she could trust it, but it sounded nice.

===

Checking the mirror one last time, Nadine smoothed down the fabric of the black dress she’d put on. The cut of it was so much different than she’d ever worn for a work event. For starters, it was cut to have a high collar that covered even her collar bone, and it came nearly to the floor. When she’d been selecting a gown for this evening, Elizabeth had suggested that she try wearing something that covered her more, knowing that Vincent had always wanted her on display.

She put the final touches on her makeup and then finished putting on jewelry before heading to meet with the others. Tonight was a party, a celebration hosted by the Canadians, it was supposed to be an easy night.

Back on the seventh floor, Nadine let herself into Elizabeth’s office and hovered to the side, waiting for Elizabeth to finish the call she was on, with Henry by the sound of it. When she smiled, Nadine smiled back, doing her best to relax.

Elizabeth hung up the phone and stood. “That’s a very nice dress, Nadine.”

She looked down at it again. “Thank you.”

“Henry is on his way up if you’d like to have a seat for a moment.” She indicated the couch with an earring between her fingers. “How are you doing?”

Suddenly aware of what her fingers were doing, Nadine fisted her hands in her lap. “I’m okay.” She watched as Elizabeth finished with her jewelry and crossed to sit beside her. “I- I won’t do anything embarrassing.”

“I’m not worried about that. I just- I know the business part of these things is probably okay, but I would imagine there are aspects of a dinner that are stressful. Is there anything about tonight you are worried about?”

Was there? This was only the second big event since Elizabeth took the job, but there would be so many more as time went on. “I’ve- I’ve never really done one of these alone. I mean- I always spent most of the evening at- at Vincent’s side. He made sure I knew who I needed to speak to and who I shouldn’t.”

“Okay. If you wish, you can stay with Henry and I. It’s really no big deal.” As she finished speaking, Henry stepped into the room and stood just to the side of the doorway, greeting his wife when she turned his way.

As they spoke, it took Nadine a few minutes to realize that Henry was staying across the room because of her. No, she mentally shook her head, not because of her, _for_ her. “H- Henry.” She waited until his gaze landed on her. “Come sit, we’ll be a few minutes yet.”

She didn’t miss how he glanced at Elizabeth before moving to a chair across from them. “I don’t expect there is much shop talk that needs to happen tonight.” She turned to Elizabeth to carry on their conversation from before. “It’s mostly a celebration of you.”

Elizabeth looked toward the open door a moment before turning back. “I hope you will enjoy some of the food served tonight. And perhaps some of the dancing?”

“I have never…” She swallowed and then nodded. “I look forward to being able to relax and enjoy the evening.” The dancing was a concern, but as she’d told her already, she wasn’t about to do anything embarrassing.

Blake entered, drawing everyone’s attention. “Are we ready?”

Henry and then Elizabeth stood, taking one another’s hands and starting for the door. Nervously, Nadine stayed in her seat watching them walk away. It was the moment of truth and for some reason she couldn’t get up and dutifully follow. Her eyes were on the ground as memories of the last dinner, the last time she went to one with Vincent, crept in. She missed as Elizabeth and Henry looked back and then started to turn back before Blake stopped them and whispered quietly. She wasn’t aware of the changes in the room until he called her name softly.

Her eyes rose to nothing. He wasn’t standing any longer by the door. Confused, she looked around the room and found him just as far away, but by the credenza against the far wall.

“If you need more time, that’s okay.” He was watching her but not in a way that made her want to shrink back. “May I sit?”

Nadine nodded.

Blake walked carefully toward her, lifting the chair closest to the desk and pulling it around until he was able to sit at her right side. It took her a minute to piece together that standing and now sitting, he was intentionally putting himself out of her path to the doors.

Five minutes passed in silence before she looked at him properly. “We should go.”

“Are you ready?”

“I- I think so.” She stood, her fingers tapping twice before she remembered to fist her hands.

Blake was still sitting, looking up at her now. “Does it help?”

“Does what help?”

“The tapping. Does it help?”

She could feel herself blushing. “I- I didn’t mean for you to see that.” Not wanting to talk about it, she started slowly for the door.

“See what?” When she looked back, he was standing, a knowing smile on his face. “If you’d like, we can walk in together. I’m sorry, I wasn’t eavesdropping on purpose before but the, uh, the door was open.”

She realized he’d heard what she’d said to Elizabeth and frowned. She knew that Blake was safe and she’d been told he wouldn’t judge, but there was something that hurt in knowing he’d heard it. It wasn’t even anything really. “Why did you do that?” Her hands came up to fist her hair, but she remembered her up do and folded her arms instead, turning back to confront him. He was sitting again in that same chair when she looked back. “I know how it makes me sound, Vincent controlling who I talked to, how I talked to them. It’s just I- I- I find it overwhelming and terrifying talking to people. Especially people I don’t know.”

“…I get that.”

“My whole- my whole life I’ve struggled to know intuitively how to just…”

“…Be with people?”

Nadine nodded. “Yes.”

She thought he looked like he wanted to say something or ask something, but he stayed quiet.

“Vincent said he saw such potential in me. He- he showed me how to interact with certain people and when I followed what he taught me I was so- I was so good at it.” She looked over her shoulder out the door. “We should be going.”

“When you’re comfortable.”

“I’ll never be comfortable.”

“Can I tell you something?”

Her eyes focused on him again and she waited for him to go on.

“There are parts of me I keep hidden too. It’s not the same, but there are days when I fear being found out. I also know how it feels to have someone learn something about me that I didn’t have control over.” When her eyes properly met his, he carried on. “I am sorry for causing you that pain.”

As she thought, her fingers tapped for a bit and then, as they slowed, she made a decision. “I’m ready, we should go.”

“Of course.” Blake stood and walked toward her. “And, Nadine?”

“Yes?” He was close now and she had to look up to look up at him.

“Never stop the tapping or anything else on someone else’s account. If it helps, then you should be doing it.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some warnings again.
> 
> This doesn't have outright smut, but it is definitely in that area. And there are some consent issues that go along with the general themes of the story. It isn't anything crazy and nothing violent or coercive at all, but it is still there.

The dinner was in the largest room and after the meal had been served, people had begun to mill around. Somewhere in the mass of bodies gathered in groups, some talking, others dancing, Nadine looked up to realize she didn’t readily recognize anyone around her.

A man in a tux who looked about her age stopped at her side, watching the crowd and not her. He sipped from the glass in his hand and then glanced her way. “I saw you sitting with the Secretary. You’re a member of her staff?”

Nadine nodded. “I’m her Chief of Staff.”

“I work for Ambassador Dothan.” He flashed a smile her way. “I’ll tell you my name, but you have to promise not to laugh.”

His amused tone made her give a hint of a smile. “Okay, I promise.” She lifted her champagne flute to her lips.

“Abaddon Dabrowski.”

She’d expected his comment on not laughing to be a line to get to tell her his name, she hadn’t expected his name to actually surprise her. Her surprise laugh caught around the drink in her mouth, causing her to choke. Before she knew what was happening, he had ahold of her arm and was patting her back.

Overwhelmed by his sudden closeness and the feel of being touched, of being struck, by a strange man, she yanked back from his grasp, glass slipping from her fingers as the heel of her shoe caught on the hem of her dress, tossing her off balance and sending her crashing to the floor.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him leaning over and she stared back, confused over what just happened. One minute she’d been on her own, watching people socialize as her fingers tapped away her anxiety against her leg and then in the next she was fighting back tears and the urge to hide.

=

Across the room, on the dance floor, Elizabeth sank into Henry’s arms. “I kind of like these dinners. A bit of a perk to the job.”

Henry laughed. “You just like to see me in a tux.”

She grinned. “Not as much as I like to see you out of it.” Her eyes danced as she took in the room as they turned. “We should see if we can’t cut out early and work on that tonight.”

“Won’t you be missed?”

Elizabeth shrugged. “I’m sure I can find some reason to leave.”

“Your own party?”

“I’m the Secretary of State, there could be a million valid reasons.”

“Such as?”

“Ah, that’s the sweet part. It could be classified.” A small disturbance caught her attention, but when she looked for its source, all she saw was a man bending down. Assuming something had simply been dropped, she brushed it off as nothing. “We should find my staff and work on an excuse to leave.”

“Seriously?”

“As a heart attack.” She took his hand, leading him in the direction she’d last seen Blake and the others.

=

The man leaning over her touched her and she forced herself to remember the promise she’d made about not causing a scene. Tripping and falling had no doubt already caused enough of one. “Please-” She sucked in a breath, looking everywhere but at him. “Give me a second.”

“Okay.” His hands raised but he didn’t back off. “I’ve honestly never blown someone away like that before. I’m sorry.” He chuckled at his own joke and then looked up, noticing the gawkers and shot them a look before lowering his voice. “It’s not a big deal.” After several seconds, he stood. “I’ll help you up and then we can step out if you would like. Maybe find somewhere to walk it off?”

Nadine suspected that he was trying to help, but when he offered his hand and then hers slipped in, his hand felt wrong. He was too close, too tall, she didn’t like it. Clamping her mouth shut, she obediently let him lead her away from the event. She felt confused and when she was confused, it was best to just follow what she was told to do.

=

Approaching her staff, Elizabeth smiled at all of them. “You all seem in good spirits.” She looked them over. “Of full of good spirits.” They all laughed. “Where’s- where’s Nadine?”

The four of them bumbled answers that that didn’t know, offering assurances that she was probably just busy.

“Well, Henry and I were going to slip out and go home. I was hoping to speak with her before I left.”

Jay shrugged. “She was just talking to one of Ambassador Dothan’s staffers. They’re probably putting their heads together on something. You know how she is, work first always.”

“Yes.” Her eyes still looked over the room one more time before meeting Henry’s. “I’m sure you’re right.”

“Give her a bit, Ma’am.” Blake added. “I’ll circulate and see if she’s just sitting at one of the tables and we can’t see her.”

“Thank you.”

=

“Most people call me Adam, by the way.” They were in the quiet halls now of the Truman, her hand still tucked in his as she walked silently beside him. “I never could manage to go by my given name.”

Nadine’s glace only made it as far as his shoulder. “Adam. That’s- that’s much better.” Her nod was jerky and quick.

“You haven’t told me your name yet.”

“Oh, Nadine.” She knew every inch of this building, but walking with Adam now, the wrong hand tapping nervously, it felt odd and new.

“So, Nadine… Where’s the best place to sit and get to know one another?”

“Get to know one another?” Her brows tugged together. The last time she’d heard that phrase, it ended up meaning more than just talking.

“Well, I do owe you an apology for earlier.” He paused, looking around the hall before ducking through an open doorway, tugging her with him. He turned to face her, eyes raking over the way she looked staring up at him. “May I do that now?”

She almost met his eyes, enough that she thought he believed it. “Yes.” When his lips pressed to hers, she was taken aback. It wasn’t what she’d expected to happen at all. No one had kissed her since Vincent and the only times Vincent had kissed her had been as preludes to sex. Her mind raced, wondering if Adam was wanting to have sex with her.

Feeling adrift in the swirling mix of fear, edging panic, and an indescribable feeling over being wanted again, Nadine gripped the sleeves of his jacket and held on until he finally broke away.

Panting, Adam smiled. “Wow.” He chuckled. “I just…”

She could see it now in the way his pupils were blown wide, the way he was breathing hard and his eyes looked her over. “Where do you want to go?” Her body trembled in fear that she’d mess this up, but she kept her focus on him.

He felt her shiver against him and couldn’t help being turned on by it. “I’m sure you know the best place, right?”

She wasn’t sure she knew the best place, but she knew the places that had been Vincent’s favorites. Her mind caught on that last dinner again, their last night on this floor together and the way he’d led her to that little-used room at the end, that couch he’d always loved to pin her down on. It doubled back and shared a wall with the main event room which meant they could hear the reminder of what was going on just a short distance away. “I do, yes.”

He closed in again, pressing her against the wall and kissing her as his free hand brushed over her dress from breast to hip. “Lead the way.”

Her skin seemed to itch under where he’d touched her and her hand, now free, tapped lightly where she hoped he wouldn’t notice. She didn’t know if it was a test, him acting like he wanted her to take charge. On occasion, Vincent had done something similar, only to yank control away suddenly and sometimes painfully. One such time, he’d choked her a bit too long and she’d blacked out, only to wake up moment later with him angry she’d failed… And then he’d punished her for the failure. She hoped Adam didn’t want to choke her tonight. “This way.”

His eyes never left her body as she led him up the hall again and into a room far from the bustle of activity. He’d been watching her all night, they way she’d smiled so sweetly and seemed so reserved and soft spoken. And in their short conversations, if felt like they’d really hit it off. He was, honestly, surprised that she’d so willingly agreed to a quick tryst, but then… sometimes the stillest waters ran the deepest.

Through the doorway, Adam pushed the door shut, frowning only a moment at the lack of lock before turning back to find her already draped back on the couch, arms raised above her head and wrists crossed. It was the most inviting thing he’d ever seen in his life, a woman laid out so willingly.

Crossing to the couch, he took her in fully one last time before quickly shedding what he didn’t need of his clothes. When he pulled his belt out of the loops of his pants in one clean movement, he didn’t miss the way her eyes followed it. “Have you had a belt used on you before?”

Nadine wanted to shrink back. She wanted to tell him she hated belts, but there were rules and this was never about her. She went with simple honesty. “Yes. Many times.”

 _Still waters, indeed._ Adam smirked. “I’ll keep it nearby.” He doubted they had time, but just the notion made their little moment that much more exciting.

“Whatever you wish.” As he settled over her, she began to let her mind slip back into that place it’d always done during sex, her safe place. She knew how to be convincing, that had been a matter of self-preservation, but she also knew that it was just a man getting what he needed from her body. She had no expectation of truly enjoying the moment.

Adam couldn’t believe how wonderfully submissive she was as he kissed along what he could of her jaw and neck, rearranging her dress until he could get his hands where he wanted them. Rearranging, his worked her underwear as far as her ankles before starting to tease her with his fingers. When he touched her clit, she flinched away and he looked up.

“I- I’m sorry. I just… it’s okay.” Her mind scrambled and then remembered, hoped… “There’s a little drawer hidden in the lip of that table there.”

Shifting so he could stretch across the space, his fingers took a minute to find the tiny drawer. It was more like a slot, barely deep at all, no more than for a few pencils lined up side by side, but in it were little packets. He took one and looked at the label, single use lube. Glancing at her, he pushed the slot shut and tore the packet open with his teeth, slicking himself up quickly before lining up.

“Here.” Nadine could see he was nervous where to touch with his now slick fingers. She lowered her arms and took his hand, surprised he needed it explained to simply use her skin and the inside layer of her dress to clean up. Once his had was clean, she re-crossed her wrists over her head and waited.

Overwhelmed by the obvious invitation, Adam sank himself into her body.

As he took over inside her, Nadine sank into the very recesses of her mind.

=

Nipping at his wife’s ear, Henry laughed at the way she squealed, pulling her back against his chest. “The elevator is taking too long.”

“You can wait.” She admonished.

“But can you?” He let his hands roam, teasing her even through her dress. “Who says we have to take this private party all the way home.”

“Henry, no!” She laughed and then laughed harder when he started tugging her down the hall.

“Come on, Babe, there’s got to be somewhere good hiding around here.”

“We are not-” Her voice dropped to a whisper- “Having sex in a supply closet!”

“I’m not talking a supply closet. I’m talking some room you’ll have to use in the future and remember what we did there.” He kept walking, stopping on occasion only long enough to kiss her. “As many people as there are in this building, there’s gotta be some good places.”

“You’re probably right.” She couldn’t believe she was letting him drag her into this. They giggled their way down the hall until they got to the end and Henry reached for the handle on a door, pushing the door open with her pulled against his body. Together, they stumbled through and then froze, shocked to find the room already occupied.

The man looked stunned to be interrupted, but Elizabeth didn’t even hear whatever it was he said in his surprise. All she could see, all she could take in was black fabric of a dress she’d seen all evening, the way a belt was discarded on the table just within reach, and the vacant, distant look in familiar brown eyes.

Henry yanking her back and slamming the door shut snapped her out of her thoughts. He was flushed red as he collapsed back against the all. “Okay, now I know why you didn’t want to get it on up here.” It took him a minute to notice the look on her face. “What?”

“That was Nadine.”

He turned, staring at the door. “What?”

“Didn’t- didn’t you see her?”

“I was a bit busy being embarrassed, Babe.” He tried to tug her close again, but she stepped away, making him sigh. “She’s allowed to do what she wants-”

“But I don’t think she is.”

“Okay. I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“She looked… not there. I- I don’t think she’s in there willingly.”

“You think he’s forcing her?” That had his muscles already itching to burst back in.

“I-” She had no idea how to explain her concerns and took a moment to gather herself, glancing around to be sure they were still alone. “From what I’ve worked out… With Vincent, she had to simply go along with what he wanted at all times. Even if she wasn’t willing, Henry. If- if that guy in there hinted at wanting this?” She waved to the door. “I’m not sure she even knows she _could_ say no.”

It finally clicked. “He may not even know if he doesn’t have her consent.”

“Tonight in my office, she was anxious about being here already. And then whatever caused the delay in her and Blake getting to the dinner. She was already stressed out and being pushed to, I don’t know, maybe the limit of what she could handle? If he made moves on her… His belt is just lying there on the table. I can’t let myself believe he has any clue how submissive that would make her. Her biggest fear is being hit. We have to- we have to do something.”

“We can’t just go back in there and haul him away. He has no clue what’s going on and you’ll embarrass her by saying anything.”

She realized he was right. The last thing she wanted to do was make Nadine upset about it. “You’re right. What do we do then?”

He sighed. “We wait.” He started pulling her further away from the door. “That’s all we can do.”


	10. Chapter 10

Adam got himself sorted out as he watched Nadine straighten her clothes and stand, smoothing her dress back into place. The interruption had nearly thrown him entirely, but as far as he could tell, she hadn’t been bothered in the least by it. “Hey.” When she didn’t react or respond, he crossed the small space and reached for her arm, pulling back when she jumped and pulled away. “Sorry.”

Nadine eyed him, wondering what he could want next. In his hand was his belt and she swallowed. “Do- do you want to use that on me still?”

His eyes dropped from her face to the belt in his hand, surprise coloring his features. “I wasn’t going to. Do you want me to?”

She didn’t understand the question. It had never been about what she wanted. “If you want to, the back of the chair over there is the right height for me to bend over.” She turned away. “Here, I can show you.”

“Wait. I- I was going to just go. I wasn’t going to do anything else like that.”

“But if you want to.” She was almost insistent now. He had to be happy. “If it’d make you happy to do it. Whatever makes you happy.”

Skipping taking the time to thread the belt back into place, he moved to the door, suddenly uncomfortable. When he pulled the door open, he was shocked to find the couple who’d stumbled in earlier still in the hall. The woman, who he now recognized as the Secretary and Nadine’s boss, was apprehensively looking past him while the man, he hoped it was her husband, bore holes into him. “I-”

Henry spoke first. “Hi, I’m Henry. How about you and I go talk for a minute?” He was smiling but the smile looked less than friendly.

“… Yeah… Sure.” He followed Henry into the hall. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes.” He lied, walking them toward the elevators. “Everything is fine. My wife just had urgent State business to discuss with her Chief of Staff.” He had no idea how to broach the subject tactfully without sounding like some kind of creep, so he aimed for casual. “We are really sorry for barging in like that before. If we’d known anyone was down there…”

“It’s cool. All’s forgiven.”

“You and Nadine hit it off then?”

He shook his head a bit. “Yeah. I’d been watching her all evening, she’s…”

“Hard to keep your eyes off of?” When the man gave him an odd look, he chuckled. “I’ve overheard it before.”

“I wasn’t sure how open to being chatted up she’d be. I went to tell her my name but said she couldn’t laugh, instead she almost inhaled her champagne, which I felt bad enough for but then when I was trying to help her, she tripped over the hem of her dress.”

“Help her?”

“Oh! She was coughing, so you know-” He gentle mimicked the action on Henry. “But it was all good. I suggested we find a place for her to walk it off and talk and she agreed-”

“She agreed to leave with you?”

“Well yeah. She looked willing enough and didn’t say anything. Why?”

“No reason. She’s just… Always very discerning. I guess that makes you pretty special.” In his head, all he could do was envision what Nadine must’ve thought when a man she didn’t know grabbed and then as good as struck her before leading her away. It’d never crossed his mind before tonight that her circumstances could leave her vulnerable. “Look, I gotta get back to my wife. Have a good evening and it was good to meet you.”

“Yeah, um you too.”

He watched the man, he’d not even asked his name, step onto the elevator before he turned to walk back up the hall.

=

As soon as the men were out of view, Elizabeth rushed into the room, shutting the door behind her. “Are you okay?”

Nadine stared, confused. “Ma’am?”

“That guy… Are you okay?”

She blushed, ducking her head. “I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me.”

Not completely convinced just yet, Elizabeth moved closer. “He looked nice.” She really didn’t want to give the impression Nadine had done something wrong because she hadn’t. But she would clam up and possibly vanish if she thought she felt that way. “How’d you two meet?”

“He started talking to me. He works for Ambassador Dothan. His- his name made me laugh and that made me choke on my drink… I- I know I promised not to make a scene, but I didn’t see him move to grab my arm or hit my back and he scared me, I tripped and fell and spilled my glass.” Her face turned away so Elizabeth was only looking at her in profile. “I thought he would be mad about the mess I made. He got me back to my feet and led me out of the room. Then he said he wanted to talk to me, get to know me, and I know what that means, so when he kissed me it all made sense and I knew how to make it better.”

Closing the space between them, Elizabeth put her hands out a minute before touching Nadine’s bare arms. “What made sense?”

“How he wanted me to make it up to him. He asked and I brought him here.” She looked around the room. “I hoped he’d like it too and he did. It has everything he might need.”

“Did he say he expected sex to make up for it?”

Her head shook. “No. But I knew.”

“Okay. How about we sit over here?” She led her away from the couch to the other side of the room. “Did you want to have sex with him?”

Nadine’s brows pinched together. “What?”

Her confusion worried Elizabeth. “Did you want to do it?”

“He wanted to-”

“I know.” She took her hands. “But he has to ask your permission. You get to say yes or no and he has to listen.” She watched as Nadine stared blankly for several minutes. “Did he do anything else?”

She shook her head. “He asked if I’ve ever been spanked with a belt. I- I don’t like it, but I was truthful and said yes. He decided not to though, even after I showed him about the chair.”

“What chair?”

She pulled one hand away. “That one over there is small, Vincent had it brought in so he can bend me over it. I don’t wear out so easily that way.”

Dread crept in as she started taking in the room anew. It always did when Nadine would shift Vincent back into the present tense. “Vincent had the chair brought in just for that?”

“Mm hmm.” Nadine nodded.

“What- what else? What else is there in here? Can you show me?”

After a beat, Nadine stood and began walking the room. She tugged open the drawer with the lube packets, bent down and reached under a credenza for a pair of long bands of silk fabric, popped open a false panel with her fingernail and took out a gag made of the same silk, only knotted. She turned back to Elizabeth. “The couch is the right size for two people and then the chair.”

Elizabeth had no idea where to even begin. The room was fitted out specifically for having sex and not by just anyone. “Are there any other rooms like this? With these things in them?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me which ones?” She wanted to remove all of it from the building and burn it so it could never be used on Nadine again.

“Just one other one-” Elizabeth knew her heart was about to plummet- “Your office.”

=

Elizabeth had tried to convince Nadine to stay the night in their guest room, but she’d insisted everything was fine and went back to her own place. She was seriously concerned, though, about how she would eventually process her little tryst with Adam, she’d finally learned his name.

She and Henry made it back to the house before either of them said anything. “Henry…”

“I know.” He pressed a kiss to her head as they shed their things and readied for bed.

She sank down onto the bench. “I- I feel so… so maternal toward her?”

He sighed. “I know, Babe.”

“Did one bad day cause all this? Is this- is this going to be what happens to her forever? She starts to get better and then one thing sends her into a tailspin and she’s right back to being- being so childlike?”

“I don’t know. But you can’t shelter her either. She has to work through it all in her own time.” He sat beside her. “I think keeping her in her position, being there when she needs you, that’s the best you can do. Not having a job might cause more harm and you’ve said she’s wonderful at the job.”

“She is.”

“So it’s not like you’re keeping her for the sake of protecting her. And it does feel like the incidents are fairly far apart and maybe getting farther?”

“It feels like it.”

“Does she even say what she talks to the doctor about?”

“No, and I never ask. I want her to have as many safe places as possible.” His arm slipped around her shoulders, but she shrugged him off. “I just can’t- I can’t shake that she shouldn’t have been alone tonight.”

Henry sighed. “Okay. Why?”

She stood and started to pace. “I’m not sure. She was already upset, this was the first event she went to without Marsh. I don’t know that she’s been in that room since him. Hell, Henry- I don’t know if she’s had sex since Vincent. And we’re only days away from her complete breakdown when she was here?” She paused. “At some point it feels like all of that’s going to hit and I’m worried. I’m worried about what kind of state she’ll get herself into.”

He watched her another minute before nodding. “Go call her. Remind her she can call you no matter what.”


	11. Chapter 11

“You have to confront her about this.” Isabelle looked from Henry to Elizabeth from her seat at the table. Bess was a hard read when she wanted to be, but Henry’s pained look was obvious. “What?” When neither responded, she pressed. “What is it?”

Henry reached out and took Elizabeth’s hand. “We can’t do this, Babe.”

She nodded. “I know.” Her eyes finally rose to meet Isabelle’s. “We can’t dig into this. We have to figure out a way to get to the bottom of this without dragging Nadine into it.”

“Why? If she was a coconspirator, you need to deal with her.”

“She’s not.”

“How can you be so sure?” She was confused. It wasn’t like her friend to not even want to look into a lead, especially on this matter where she’d been at it for months like a dog with a bone. “You have to give me something, Bess. This literally has your Chief of Staff’s name all over it. She could’ve been involved in killing-”

“She didn’t kill anyone.” Elizabeth cut her off.

Henry gave her and a squeeze. “I think she needs to know.”

“Know what?” She watched Bess shake her head. “Know what?”

“I can’t. Not without her permission. I won’t do that to her.”

Henry tugged her close, kissing her temple. “Then you need to go call her and ask her to come here.” When she finally stood to go find her phone, he turned back to Isabelle. “Nadine wasn’t involved in this. Not voluntarily anyway. Whatever happens, she has to be protected from being implicated.” When she started to ask more questions, he put his hand up. “Hopefully we’ll have some answers for you soon.”

=

Elizabeth let Nadine in and pushed the door shut. “How was the drive over?”

“Fine.” When she smiled, Elizabeth saw that she was relaxed and calm. No nerves… for now at least. “What’s this about?”

“A friend of mine is here, she worked with me at CIA. Her name is Isabelle.”

“I’ve heard you mention her.”

“Yes. Well… She’s been helping Henry and I secretly investigate Vincent Marsh’s death.” She watched Nadine’s smile fade. “We have reason to believe it wasn’t just an accident, but there’s more.” Gently, she led her into the office and pulled the doors closed. “Did Vincent ever ask you to lie for him? Like, on a bank account?” The way Nadine instantly withdrew gave her an answer. “What was he going to do if you didn’t help him?”

“Nothing.” She looked away, fear suddenly creeping in. “It- it was nothing.”

“Nadine-” She started to close the space between them but stopped when Nadine retreated. “We need to explain to Isabelle what Vincent was.”

Her eyes landed everywhere but on Elizabeth. She was beginning to feel cornered. “Why?”

“Because she thinks you were voluntarily involved. You can trust her, but it’s up to you.”

“You- you didn’t tell her?”

She shook her head. “It’s not mine to tell. She’s in the dining room with Henry. I was hoping we could talk to her tonight.” Cautiously, she crossed the room, standing as close as Nadine usually permitted.

From the table, Isabelle could just see into the office. “So, what’s so special about her?” Nadine Tolliver didn’t look all that impressive through the closed pocket doors.

“She’s… I can’t really even explain it without breaking confidence and I really won’t do that to her.” The pocket doors slid open, but he remained in his seat as the pair came into view. “Good evening, Nadine.”

Nadine managed to meet his gaze, though she didn’t maintain it as she returned the greeting, slipping a bit behind Elizabeth as she was introduced to Isabelle. “It’s good to meet you.”

Elizabeth leaned into her a bit. “Go take a seat. Isabelle will explain what she has, it’ll be just like at work.” She hoped that would help her get into the right mindset.

“At work. Yes.” She looked around and then opted to sit beside Henry.

Isabelle caught the slight surprised look on Henry’s face and the way he kept turned toward Elizabeth, his back to Nadine as she got settled into the chair. “Right. This is what I have so far…”

Nadine listened intently, trying to focus on every word Isabelle spoke as she laid out the deception Vincent had been carrying out. The deception she’d had a hand in. It started to sink in just how much trouble she was in. She was going to go to jail for the things she’d done. Her eyes stayed on the table, unfocused as the world blurred around her.

It was more than just the bank account. It was more than lying about trips Vincent had taken, he’d said he just didn’t want his wife to know and she’d believed him. She listened as Isabelle explained what they’d found about the plane, how it’d been tampered with. Someone with enough power to get away with murdering the Secretary of State plus a plane full of other people. Someone with enough power to kill a CIA agent and make it look like an accident… And she was wrapped up in all of it.

She didn’t hear as Henry cut Isabelle off or when he said Elizabeth’s name. She didn’t see him carefully get up and move away, giving her space. She wasn’t aware as the room grew quiet, too lost in her own swirling thoughts.

“Nadine, hey. Look at me.” Elizabeth’s voice was gentle. She was kneeling beside Nadine’s chair so she could look up at her downturned face. “Out of your head. Just say the words, they don’t have to make sense.”

Isabelle watched in stunned silence as whatever this was began to slowly unfold before her. When Henry touched her shoulder, she looked up and then flowed him toward the kitchen. “What’s going on?”

“It’s… give them a minute.”

“To do what?”

“Elizabeth’s trying to keep her from shutting down.”

Nadine’s voice was barely audible from where they stood. “I- I didn’t know. He told me those trips were special, for us. The bank account was for us. I- I didn’t know.”

“Shh. I know. Take a breath for me?” Elizabeth held out her hand and waited to see if Nadine would take it. When she didn’t, she backed up, sitting in Henry’s vacated chair. “I think we need to tell Isabelle about Vincent. I think she needs to know a little bit to understand why you weren’t involved in any of this. Okay?”

“I don’t want her to know.”

“I know. But I don’t want you to get in trouble for something that wasn’t your fault.”

“But I was involved. I did things that were wrong.” Struggling, she attempted to keep looking at this like a work task. “I have to face the consequences of what I’ve done.”

“Not if you were under duress.”

“He asked me to do them and I agreed.”

When Henry made a pained noise and stormed deeper into the kitchen, Isabelle followed. “What is it?”

“She’s going to destroy herself.”

“Is she telling the truth?”

“She- she can’t see the bigger picture.”

“Which is what?”

“I can’t tell you without her consent. She’s had enough stuff done to her without her consent and Elizabeth and I won’t violate that unless we have no choice.”

“You keep saying that, but you guys have to give me something here. Why are you so desperate to protect her?”

Frustrated, Henry turned back and entered the dining room, speaking as he did so Nadine knew he was there. “Can I please talk to you, Nadine?” When her eyes quickly met his, he realized it was the second time that night she’d done so. Any other day, he’d have celebrated the small win. Instead, he sat on her other side. “I need to protect you and keep you safe and right now, the only way to do that is to give Isabelle all the information so she can help me protect you.” He tried to see her face, but she ducked away again. “I know it’s scary and it’s not fair, but a trial and jail and whatever else, that wouldn’t be fair either. And it would be very scary for all of us… Please let me protect you from that.”

He watched her swallow and then nod. “O- Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes. If you want to tell her, I don’t care. I just- I don’t want to be involved in it. I didn’t want to be involved in any of it.” She pushed to her feet and retreated to the doorway. “Why can’t he just leave me alone? Why didn’t- Why didn’t he just take me with him?” She tried to run away, but Elizabeth grabbed her arm and when she yanked back, she kept hold.

“Please don’t leave the house? You can lock yourself in the guest room upstairs if you want, but if you go outside then I have to come with you so you’re safe.”

“Turn loose of me.”

Isabelle wasn’t sure what to make of the sudden change in her tone. She stared as Nadine tried to slowly twist out of Elizabeth’s grasp before agreeing to stay in the house. Once she’d fled up the stairs, she stared at her friends. “Someone needs to start talking.”

Elizabeth sighed heavily and sank into a chair. “Come sit. Trust me, you’re going to want to be sitting for this.” She waited till Isabelle was at the table and then explained all they’d learned in the past year about Vincent and Nadine. “And that is why she can’t be implicated in any of this.”

“So when she said that about him taking her…”

“I would guess she meant on the trip he died on.”

“She still references him in present tense.”

Henry nodded. “To her, he’s still very much present. I’m certain we don’t even know the half of what he did to her-”

“The scars alone are enough.”

Isabelle tried to process everything she’d just been told. “Do you think the other coconspirators know about her?” They both gave her confused looks. “They killed Marsh? Killed George because he was on to them and warning you? If they find out about her, she could be in danger.” She pressed on. “Where did she get a fake passport that was good enough to pass as legit?”

Elizabeth turned to both of them, panic growing. “Someone at The Company could make it. And she’s never named who the other people at those parties were.”

“Parties?”

“Marsh used to have these dinners with certain friends and she was I guess paraded about. I never really pressed on what specifically was done and never who was there.”

“He let other people abuse her?” Isabelle couldn’t help staring up the now empty stairs.

“And then to prove who she belonged to after they were over, he raped her.” She reached for Henry’s hand. “I’m worried.”

“I am too.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings again
> 
> Self harm. mostly restricted to the first section though it is discussed further down.

Shut into the guest bedroom, Nadine paced. She’d done something wrong. Really wrong. She understood the laws, understood what laws she’d broken for Vincent. She should’ve done something, should’ve stopped him from getting involved in whatever it was he’d been doing that got him killed.

She’d been involved in getting a lot of people killed. It was all her fault.

Nadine froze, staring at the wall. She’d helped get Vincent killed.

Why should she live when other people died because of what she’d done?

Her chest began to burn again. She’d been bad. There was no way Elizabeth wasn’t angry with her for this. Her mind flashed back to the rough way Elizabeth had grabbed and held onto her downstairs, even as she’d tried to pry herself free. She deserved to be punished, but what punishment would it be for people dying? She knew what happened if she broke something or if she spoke to the wrong person… but killing someone?

Whatever it was had to be bad.

She didn’t want to be punished. She didn’t want Elizabeth, who’d been so kind and patient up to now, to have to punish her. A thought crossed her mind- What if she just punished herself? What if she did it herself and showed Elizabeth she could learn and she could be good?

That’s what she should do. She needed to handle things herself and not rely on others.

Pacing to the bathroom, she dug through cabinets and drawers, wondering what she could do to pay for doing something so heinous. The punishment had to match the crime.

The bathroom was mostly void of anything at all and it made Nadine’s heart race. She was desperate to make this right. In the back of a drawer, almost out of view, was a tiny pair of cuticle scissors. Tugging them out, Nadine threaded her fingers through the handles and opened and shut them, mesmerized but the sharp tip and curved shape. Considering them, she placed her left arm on the counter to see how hard it would be to pierce her skin, whimpering quietly as she knew to do. Silencing her pain was one of the first things Vincent had made her learn.

The blood pooled nicely, but it didn’t seem like much. A wound on her arm would heal quickly and not cause any lasting pain. Her mind offered up a memory of the first time she’s needed a severe punishment from Vincent. Afterward, as she’d laid on the floor, unable to walk due to the state of her feet, he’d told her that the feet were the best punishment because she’d feel it for weeks, every time she walked.

Sitting on the floor, Nadine pulled off her shoes and held her foot in place. Those other people were dead. They couldn’t walk anymore either…. So why should she?

==

The dining room was quiet for a long while before Henry turned to his wife. “You should go check on her.”

She’d been lost in her own thoughts. “Hmm?”

“She was scared and overwhelmed, Babe. You’ve never grabbed her like that before. I think you should go check on her.”

“I wanted to give her time-”

“I know. But remember what Ray said when we first talked to him? About how she might respond if she thinks you’re angry at her?” He waved to Isabelle’s computer. “This looks like she’s committed numerous federal crimes and aided in murder.”

Elizabeth stood. “You’re right. I’ll- I’ll be right back.” Quietly, she climbed the stairs and headed for the guest room, trying the knob. It was locked. She knocked on the door. “Nadine? It’s me, can I come in? I’m not upset with you, I just want to check on you.” She listened to silence and the repeated it all again.

Four times, she repeated begging before finally going in search of a hair pin to pop the lock on the door. Maybe Nadine had cried herself to sleep, that’d happened before. When the door opened, though, the room was empty.

“Nadine?”

The bed looked untouched, it hadn’t even ben sat upon.

“Nadine?”

Crossing the room, she tried the bathroom handle, it turned easily.

“Nadine?”

The door swung open and at first all she could see was red. She froze in place, watching in horror as something that glinted silver was caught in Nadine’s fist and then was slammed into her foot.

More blood, but not a single sound.

The moment broken, Elizabeth dove for the object, wrestling it away as she shouted, begged, for Henry to come. Nadine’s hands were too slippery for Elizabeth to pry her fingers open, so she held her wrist and looked up at her face, ready to ask what the hell she was doing. She ever found the words to ask.

Blood was smeared on her face from where she’d no doubt swiped away the falling tears. There was blood in her hair from where she’d probably repeatedly pushed it out of her face. Her entire body was shaking and blood soaked into the legs of her pants, into the sleeves on her shirt. It pooled and ran along the grout between the tiles.

“Why?”

Nadine was staring up at her as if she’ wasn’t quite sure whether Elizabeth was really there or not. Her voice when she answered was little more than a whisper. “I was bad. I- I wanted you to not be mad at me, so I did it myself.”

Elizabeth realized the look in her eyes was a hopefulness that’d she’d pleased her. It made her want to throw up.

“You- you’ve never had to do this, so I didn’t know if you knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“The feet are better. I remember for a long time that way.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want you to hit me.” Her breath caught. “I didn’t want you to have to stop being nice.”

“Can I have the scissors?” As the words came out, Henry and Isabelle both appeared and then stopped in the doorway, but she ignored them. “Why- why were you worried I’d hit you? I told you we would never do that.”

“I know. Because it would hurt you to do it. I didn’t want to make you hurt yourself.”

“No. I don’t want to hurt you.” Finally, she looked over at Henry. “Call Raymond… I-” She wasn’t even sure where to start. The bathroom looked like something out of a horror movie and Nadine needed nothing short of a shower. “Do we still have that shower chair from when Ali got that soccer injury?”

“I think so.”

“I need to wash her up, but she can’t stand on these.”

“I can.”

Elizabeth turned back to her.

“Then I’ll remember.”

“What can I do to help?” Isabelle softly asked once Henry had vanished to perform his tasks.

“Would you… We need to clean up the floor. Garbage bags for what we have to throw away. There are old towels above the washer and a bucket and cleaner… somewhere.”

“I’ll find it.”

“Thanks.” She let Nadine go and twisted around to start warming the tub behind her. “I am going to help you undress, okay? I’ll find you some clothes to change into.” A beat later, Henry appeared with the shower chair and put it in place. “Can you find bandages?”

“Yes.”

Once he was gone, she pushed the door shut and started helping Nadine out of the ruined clothes, stunned at her lack of reaction to bearing weight on her feet to step into the tub. Elizabeth wrapped a towel from under the sink around her to offer her some level of modesty, even if it was about to get soaked. “Is the water an okay temperature?”

“Whatever you want is fine.”

“Okay.” There were old bottles of soap from their last guest and Elizabeth used what was available to work first on getting the blood out of her hair before working downward, frowning at the way Nadine’s eyes drooped shut as she slumped a bit, but stayed upright.

When Isabelle slipped in to help start tackling the floor, Elizabeth pulled the curtain across so Nadine didn’t panic and they tried to help with the floor while making sure the wounds on her feet were clean. Isabelle made eye contact with her once and all she saw in her eyes was shock. She couldn’t blame her. Even knowing it could happen, this was a shock to her system too.

One both the floor and her feet were handled. Elizabeth cut the water and turned her so she could apply the bandages Henry had left by the door along with word that Ray was on his way.

==

“I don’t believe this was an attempt on her life.” Elizabeth was adamant about that.

“Why?” Ray had his arms crossed over his chest.

“Mainly because she did it so she would feel it for weeks to come. If she was trying to die, she wouldn’t be thinking about it hurting for weeks.”

“I still want to admit her for observation.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I understand.” She looked back toward the bedroom where Nadine was now curled up. “Can you just give me a few minutes to talk to her?”

“Of course.”

Once Raymond and Henry rejoined Isabelle downstairs, Elizabeth sat beside Nadine, stroking her arm to get her attention. “Your doctor wants you to go stay at the hospital for a few days.”

A single tear leaked out of Nadine’s eyes and dripped down her temple.

“I’m not sending you away. I’m not mad at you. If I could go with you so you had a friend, I would, okay?” The room went silent as an answer. “He’s taking you so you can come back to your job… So I can have my friend back. I’ll call and tell you a dozen times a day if you need to hear it, Nadine.” She sighed. “I want to see you be happy and… I want to be able to complain about people at work with you… I want you back in your job that I think you love and you’re really good at. So don’t think this is the end of the road. He can only hold you for a few days, but I think you need to ask to stay until you’re better. Only you can do that.” She could feel the slight tremor in Nadine’s body. “Henry and I, Blake, even Isabelle, we’ll all protect you for as long as you need it, but… we can’t help you get through it. When you’re ready, Henry said he can drive you so you don’t have to ride in an ambulance.”

“Not you?”

“I’d have to bring the whole motorcade.” She was surprised when Nadine found her hand without her offering. “You’ll be okay. They’ll have all the numbers to reach all of us. Day or night, I’ll answer.”

There were several minutes of silence. “Okay.”

Elizabeth cocked her head to the side. “Okay?”

“I- I want to get better. I want to stay until I’m better.” She twisted on the bed, looking into Elizabeth’s eyes. “I don’t want to be this way anymore.”

==

Elizabeth had watched the cars drive away and then slipped back inside to find Isabelle waiting. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“What?” Isabelle hugged her. “I’m sorry you’ve been trying to live with it for all this time and I didn’t know you needed extra support.”

“I hate that she has to face this.”

“Well… maybe a secret hospital stay is just the thing right now until we get to the bottom of everything.”

“Maybe.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we're going to play it safe and add a warning to this one. It is almost entirely a conversation between two people, but just to be careful we are going to have a trigger warning for infant loss on here. 
> 
> Things should start getting less triggery moving forward from here. (Having said that, this interlude kind of created itself.)

As the doors slid shut, Elizabeth looked around the conference room and began, lightly placing her hand on the table space to her right. “Nadine has taken some personal leave, so I’m going to need everyone to help pitch in and pick up the slack. Jay, I’m hoping that between you and Blake we can handle whatever was on her schedule?”

Jay turned his seat, glancing to Blake and then back to her. “Of course. I’ll get with Maggie to see what needs to be done.”

“Thank you. And this won’t interfere with your own leave time. We’ll work it out.”

“How long will she be gone?” Matt voiced the question she suspected they were all wondering.

The truth was, she didn’t know the answer. Henry had returned last night and shared that Nadine had been silent and still the entire drive there and hadn’t resisted when orderlies and a nurse helped load her into a wheelchair directly from the car. In fact, she’d not said anything at all until the person doing the check in asked about who was on her contact list. Beyond listing the pair of them and Blake, she’d told her doctor once he’d joined them that she wanted to stay until she was better, not just for a few days. “It’s all a bit fluid. I would guess at least a couple weeks, maybe more. I’ll be checking in with her regularly.”

The room was quiet a moment and she could see they wanted to ask more questions, questions she wouldn’t be able to answer, so she was thankful when they didn’t voice them. She wondered how none of them knew. How did they spend years in this place, around Vincent and what he was doing right here in this building, and not know what was going on? She wanted to ask, but asking would lead to discussions that she couldn’t have.

When the meeting finished, Elizabeth retreated to her office, not surprised when Blake trailed after her, shutting the doors. She knew why he was here, but she waited anyway.

“Ma’am? Is- is Nadine okay?”

She met and held his gaze for a minute. “No.”

He seemed to sag, then sank into a chair. “Where is she?”

“It’s called The Lake Fair Center.” She watched him try and pull the name up, but it was unfamiliar to him. “It’s a trauma recovery… hospital.”

That, it seemed, he understood. “She had a bad day.” It wasn’t a question.

Sinking back in her chair, she rubbed her hands up her face, pressing her thumbs against the inside curves of her eye sockets to relieve the strain already forming. “I invited her over for… a reason I can’t disclose. In the course of discussion, she came to believe I was angry with her. Her response to that was… traumatic. It was decided that right now this is the best thing for her.”

“Is there anything I can do? For her or for you?” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he studied her.

Elizabeth sighed. “Not at this moment. I do have the phone number of where she is for you though. For the next few days she isn’t allowed any calls in, but your name is on the list to check in.”

“Me?”

“I know this is a lot to put on you. I worry that if only Henry or I are touching base and know what’s going on, she’ll get more and more isolated and that’s the opposite of what I want. I’m going to leave early today and go by her apartment and make sure everything is secured, nothing perishable around, that sort of thing.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“You don’t have to do that, Bla-”

“-I insist. You don’t need to be isolated dealing with this either.” He paused. “How long do you think she’ll be gone?”

“A month at least. Maybe more… Right now she can’t even walk.”

His head tipped to the side as his brows knit together. “Why can’t she walk?”

==

Letting them both into Nadine’s apartment. Elizabeth took a moment to take it all in. The place was beautiful and… impersonal.

Blake’s heavy footsteps slowly followed her in. “This place is a museum.” He slowly studied the art on the walls, on the shelves. He twisted his head and looked up at the pin lights that had come on with the overhead lighting. “It’s even lit like one.”

She tried to find the creature comforts she was used to, but there was no TV hanging on the wall, no sound system or bookshelves overflowing with favorites. “It is, isn’t it?”

Leaving Blake to study the main room, Elizabeth peeked into the bedroom, finding it in much the same state. In here, there was a single book by the bed, one she’d encouraged Nadine to try out, and a small TV on the dresser, but nothing else in the way of personal items.

Turning a circle, Elizabeth wondered if maybe personal items were hidden somewhere. Surely Nadine didn’t have nothing at all.

Bending, she checked under the bed, but didn’t even find dust bunnies. Looking for the closet, Elizabeth scanned the shelves before noticing an odd piece of trim on the back wall, hidden behind formal gowns. Pushing everything aside, she found a door that looked like it existed for utility access or something. In the main part of the apartment, she heard the fridge open, Blake, and blocked it out, turning the knob.

The door opened into a small cubby, not very big but just enough to hold the equivalent of a few shoe boxes. Realizing that it was likely things Nadine had never wanted Vincent to find, Elizabeth debated whether to keep nosing around or not. One container looked the right size to hold paperwork, so for now she skipped it, and two of the other boxes were marked in Nadine’s shorthand. The last box, however, was free of any markings but looked old. It was also the only thing so far that showed any signs of dust or dirt.

It was something important.

Tugging the box out, Elizabeth sat on the floor and opened the lid. Inside were old photos, some in black and white, most in color but yellowed with age. Flipping a few over, she saw most were dated from the sixties and seventies and realized that they must be of Nadine as a child.

“What’s that?” His voice made her jump. “Sorry.” He crouched down. “Is that Nadine?”

“I think so.” She held up one that was dated eighty-one. “I haven’t ever seen her smile like that.”

“Before Marsh.” His comment was soft. “She was beautiful.”

“Can see how she might’ve caught his eye.”

“What’s this one?” Blake reached in and pulled out another photo. It was a candid shot of the same young woman, this time with a chubby baby propped in her lap. He flipped it over and then back again. “That’s her. Wow, she is dressed so differently to the others.”

She chuckled. “In the others she looks like a girl who is wild and free, there she looks like how mothers were expected to look and dress then.” Her own comment ran through her head a few times and then her smile fell away. “When is that?”

“Uh… eighty-six. Just after I was born, actually.” He watched as she began digging through the box, setting aside older photos and only keeping the ones dated around the mid-eighties. Once she was done, he followed her to the table in the main room and curiously watched as she began to lay them out. “Nadine doesn’t have any kids.” But there were so many photos of her with that same baby in her arms. He could see on her face that she was trying to work something out. “We shouldn’t even be digging through this. This is her personal life.” Someone had to at least try and be the voice of reason and the odds of it being Elizabeth right now were… slim.

“She met Marsh in like eighty-eight or eighty-nine. The photos stop about the same time.”

“He isolated her. Even I know that.”

“But… how? Before this, these aren’t the pictures of some wallflower person who had no friends. What- what would make someone voluntarily retreat from the world around them? And, I don’t know… maybe accept refuge if it was available?”

Blake stared into space. “I have no idea.”

She gripped his arm. “Loss.” She bit her lip. “You’re comment, she is dressed differently after the baby. She changed! Why?”

“To… to fulfill an expectation.”

“And you wouldn’t do that if you were just the aunt or the friend.”

“You think this is _her_ baby.”

“I-” She sank into a chair. “I think it was.”

He didn’t follow. “Was?”

“She changed again. Where are all these friends? How did no one notice what was happening with Marsh? Why would she even allow it?” She moved the most recent picture closer. There were several people in it, but in the center was Nadine, grinning brightly, face tipped up as she held the child in the air over her. Slowly, she used her thumb to cover the baby.

“Loss.” He echoed.

After several minutes, she shoved all the photos back into a pile and carried them back to the closet. “You’re right. We shouldn’t’ve gone through this.”

He’d followed her. “We can’t un-see it though.”

“We have to try.” There was insistence in her tone.

“You’re the one who went digging.” He didn’t understand what the cause was of her sudden shift in mood, but he knew by now better than to let her carry it around and fester. “Talk to me.”

She eyed the box she suspected had paperwork in it but didn’t reach for it. “There is no scenario that plays out well and all of them end up with the question of has Nadine ever even processed whatever it was. Or- or is this all some giant maladaptive coping issue.”

“Okay. What do you want to do?”

“Pretend I didn’t go looking?”

His brows shot up. “Really?”

“No… I want to help her.”

“Then we’ll try and help her.” He caught the way she looked at the boxes in the closet. “What is it?”

“Do you think we’d find something in there?”

==

Hours had passed. She’d called Henry at one point just to assure him she wasn’t missing, but hadn’t given him any details. Now… Now she wasn’t sure what to do next.

Blake had taken on the task with the same degree of fervor he did anything else. He’d dug into records and accessed other documents until they had their answers. And now…

Now she wished she could un-know it all.

_Roman Nathanial Tolliver, born April twenty-fourth to Nadine Tolliver, father unknown._

The birth certificate had been tucked in with a hospital card announcing Roman’s length and weight, he’d been a big baby. From that, they’d had to do some digging. Elizabeth knew that was about the time Nadine had gone back to school, though she’d never known she’d tackled and excelled while a single mother to a new baby. She also knew that Vincent had discovered her right around graduation.

It had been Blake that had found the report…

_…Found in his crib…  
…Accidental suffocation…_

For Elizabeth, it all fell into place. She understood how someone like Nadine could find themselves swept up in a nightmare like this.

“Blake?”

“Yes, Ma’am?” He quietly appeared from Nadine’s kitchen.

“Do we know where the baby was buried?”

For several minutes, silence was the only answer. “I can try and find out.” He hesitated. “Wouldn’t it be better to just ask her?”

“… I have no idea.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warning stuff this time. Closer to canon-adjacent AU.

Nadine walked herself down to the therapy room, something that was a novel experience now. She’d not been permitted to do almost any walking at all until her feet had healed.

It’d been three weeks since the night Henry drove her here. Three weeks of only connecting with the outside world via phone calls and one visit from Elizabeth that had left her so angry and emotional that her doctor had opted to sedate her to calm her down. She’d tried to be angry for days after that, but Elizabeth still checked in every day, even when she refused every call.

It seemed Blake had taken to adding the call to the schedule as they came at nearly the same time each day, so Raymond had shifted her therapy times so the calls could be included.

Knocking on the door, she waited to be invited in before taking a seat. They started the session, not checking the clock as they waited for the line to ring, but today, it never did. The silence made something deep within her tighten.

“Can I try and call her?” She’d never called out since being here. She wasn’t even certain it was allowed.

Her doctor nodded. “Go ahead.”

Nadine reached for the phone and dialed directly to Blake’s desk. When he answered, she greeted him. “I- I was calling for the Secretary. She didn’t call today.”

There was hesitation. “She’s not available right now.”

“Okay. When will she be?”

Another pause. “I’m not sure.”

=

_ Twenty Hours Earlier _

_“You can’t do this!” Henry rushed after his wife as she tried to pack. “You just said there’s a coup about to happen!”_

_“I have to stop it! I have to prove the US isn’t behind this!” He could hear the way her voice shook._

_“Please… What about us? What about the kids-”_

_“I’m doing this for this kids! For all kids!”_

_“Fine. What about Nadine? You won’t be back for that call tomorrow.”_

_“I’ll call from the sat phone. She won’t even know something is happening. If this coup happens, Henry- if this happens, I don’t know how much of the facts we can keep hidden. Anyone even remotely involved will go down to try and save face.”_

_“You don’t have to be the one who goes though.”_

_“Henry…”_

=

Blake ended the call and stared at his phone. Elizabeth had missed her call to Nadine… That couldn’t be good at all.

==

From the dining area, Nadine could hear the TV in the staff lounge. Normally it was on a talk show, but today it was on some twenty-four hour news station. The word Iran caught her attention and she stood, moving closer so she could see what was happening.

A coup.

The coup Vincent had been orchestrating… The coup that she’d unknowingly been helping cause.

“Ms. Tolliver?” A nurse was standing at her side looking concerned. “What seems to be bothering you? Is it the TV? We can turn it off.”

“No.” She shook her head. “No… I need to call someone. I need to call and find out what’s going on.”

“Okay. Let’s walk this way and take a seat.”

Following where she was led, she realized she was now shaking.

==

Blake wasn’t surprised when Henry stopped him from hanging up the phone. He’d been the one tasked with calling and sharing the news that the Secretary was MIA while Jay tried his best to manage things at the White House. They’d been doing their best, but with no Nadine around to pull her weight, it was a struggle.

“Do we know if she ever reached Nadine this morning?”

“She didn’t.” Blake glanced toward the conference room again. “Nadine called me to find her and I lied, I said she was busy with something. Hopefully she won’t find out about the coup just yet.”

“She’ll tear herself apart if she does.” Concern was apparent in his voice. “I told Elizabeth not to travel to Iran.”

“I tried to dissuade her as well.” He looked up again, this time Maggie was rushing his way. “Hold on.”

“Blake. Ms. Tolliver’s on the line for you. She said it’s urgent.”

“Henry, I have to go… I think Nadine knows.” He jabbed buttons on the phone until he’d switched lines. “Nadine?” He tried to sound upbeat, knew it sounded fake. “Two calls in one day, did you miss me that much?”

“She’s over there, isn’t she?” Nadine tried to keep her voice low so as to not attract attention from the people milling about, but the fakeness of his voice told her what she feared.

“Excuse me?”

His confusion was practically an official announcement. “The nurses had a TV on, I saw coverage about the coup. I know her, she would’ve tried to stop it. Or- or at least try and prove we didn’t sanction it.”

“It’s… it’s classified.”

It was a flimsy excuse and she knew they both knew it. Her clearance was higher than his, so if he knew, she was able to know as well. She made a frustrated noise. “This is all my fault, Blake. I am part of the reason this has happened. So please, is she at least safe?”

“What- what do you mean this is your fault? This is Marsh’s fault. Well, he and Munsey and a couple others.”

Nadine paused. “Munsey was involved?” She’d met him on more than a few occasions. She knew Vincent and he were friends. Memories of how else she knew him tried to rush up, but she shoved them back.

“Yeah… But you still didn’t answer my question.”

“She never told you?”

“About what?”

“About what she discovered. About me. She… She never told you about the night at her house?” He’d called a handful of times over the past few weeks and she’d always assumed he knew the details of that night, though she could barely recall most of it.

“Never.”

Nadine leaned against the wall and sagged a bit. “What has she told you? About Marsh and I?”

“Honestly? Very, very little. Most things I‘ve gotten from you. Except when we dug through your apartment, which I was against, by the way.”

To herself she muttered. “She keeps trying to protect me.”

“What?”

She sucked in a breath and tried to stay focused. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer. “When did she leave?” It was most of a day’s journey to the Middle East. Maybe Elizabeth had gotten enough warning to not end up in the middle of things.

“Yesterday. She was going to call you as usual from the sat phone and hope you didn’t even know she’d gone.”

“I see.”

He sighed before she could go on. “Look, Nadine. Worrying about all of this isn’t helping you. We’ll get her back even if Henry and I have to go physically haul her out. And nothing you’ve done forced her to do this. Remember what she said once? She’s never met a situation where she didn’t have a choice. This was a choice.”

Hearing his reassurance that Elizabeth chose to go, that she wasn’t forced to protect her, helped to stop the shaking in her hands. “Thanks for that.”

He waited a minute and then tried to shift her mind to something else. “How are you doing? I don’t get to talk to you as often as she does and I… I was thinking about coming by for dinner one night.”

She allowed the distraction. There wasn’t anything she could do to change the outcome of what was going on in Iran. “I am down to one private therapy session and one group session a day and last night I managed to sleep all night for the first time without being medicated… Though now I worry this will undo that.”

“Tell your doctor about it. Let him know what’s going on. It shouldn’t count against you, but… maybe this is a good thing?”

She scoffed. “How the hell is this a good thing?”

“Our goal, all of us, is to have you back at your desk. We all want you back. But this job… sucks. I don’t know of anything more possibly traumatic that having the Secretary missing and possibly dead-”

“What?!”

“Oh, uh… I need to-”

“Don’t you dare, Blake. Start talking.”

“She was at Minister Govani’s house. It was bombed and then was on fire. So far we know at least one agent is dead, one is missing, and she’s gone.”

As he spoke, she slid all the way to the floor, drawing attention of the staff. “I have to go, Blake.” The shaking was back and she couldn’t breathe. “I- I have to go.” She didn’t wait for a response as the phone clattered to the floor.


	15. Chapter 15

Nadine woke in the dark, her body heavy and stiff. The feeling told her she’d been heavily sedated, probably quite a few hours ago now. It was a feeling she hated, but she wasn’t really surprised.

The afternoon came back in pieces. She could remember talking to Blake and then being on the floor, but the next thing she could remember was riding back to her room in a wheelchair and then her doctor speaking. Then it was… nothing.

Rolling to her back, she wasn’t surprised to see someone sitting in a chair near the door. It turned out that injuring yourself in such a spectacular fashion like she’d done that night in Georgetown made people a bit jumpy about your safety. She didn’t, however, expect the person to get up and come sit on the edge of her bed, but once they did she realized it wasn’t a nurse. “Blake? Why are you here?”

“I’ve called here about a dozen times today after our last conversation. I was worried.” He made a small huff. “She’s on her way home.”

“What?”

“The Secretary. She’s in Germany right now being checked out, but she’s on her way home. She was caught in the blast but most of her injuries are relatively minor. Fred saved her.”

“Fred did?”

He nodded. “He died. He- he took a bullet for her. Well, more than one.”

“Fred Cole died?” Her mind instantly went to his wife and kids. This was on her, it was all her fault. Blake’s hand taking hers made her look up.

“Tell me something about your son.”

“What?” Why would he be asking about that now? Someone had died, someone else nearly so. Why would he want to ask about-

“Your son. Tell me something about him?”

“I-” She had to think. “He was the happiest little boy most of the time. He loved to be held, but mostly he loved it when I danced with him. He wanted my attention all the time, which was hard because I had to get through school.” She trailed off, remembering being so tired in the evenings, remembering begging him to sleep in his crib so she could study. He always wanted to be in her lap. “I’d give him anything to get him to lie down.”

She’d already screamed and cried through it with her doctor once Elizabeth had brought Roman to light. Now it just felt… dull. Maybe it was the drugs still in her system.

“He had this green blanket. I put him to bed with it because it was still cool at night… It was my fault.”

“It was an accident.”

“No.” She shook her head.

“It can’t all be your fault, Nadine. I didn’t just drive out here to tell you she’s coming home. I wanted to make sure you heard me say this isn’t your fault.”

“You don’t know what I’ve done.”

“I don’t care.” He stood. “I am staying for the night. I promised I’d keep an eye on you while you slept. In the morning, I’m driving you to Andrews.”

“Why?”

“So the Secretary can tell you in person that this isn’t your fault as well.” He moved away from the bed. “You need anything, just say something.”

In the dim light, she watched him retake the chair by the door and pull out his phone. She didn’t understand. When Roman had died, Vincent had been the only one to reach out right away. Everyone else had been awkward and uncomfortable and when she’d tearfully asked one night why he thought that was, he’d told her that they knew the real reason Roman had died and were uncomfortable. She already blamed herself for it, he’d simply voiced aloud the thoughts in her head that it was her fault. It was in those early weeks, he’d told her he’d take care of her until everyone forgot what she’d done. Until they forgot it was her fault.

But she’d never been able to get past it. There had always been something she’d been at fault for. Roman had been the start of a life of screwing up and causing things to go wrong.

Vincent always made sure she knew where she’d failed.

Fighting against the pull of sleep, Nadine sat up and then slid off the bed, ignoring Blake’s startled questions. Digging through the drawer on the little desk in her room, she found a notepad and pencil and sat down to write.

She had to know.

Blake said Roman wasn’t her fault, her doctor had said the same, and now he was assuring her this incident in Iran wasn’t her fault either… Something both Henry and Elizabeth had repeated daily for weeks. It was a switch from Vincent’s daily comments about everything that had been her fault, but she trusted them. All of them. She never felt the same for Vincent. Maybe she never truly trusted him.

Now she needed to know about everything else. Could Vincent have been wrong about other things too?

In silence, she wrote for hours, peripherally aware of Blake watching her closely. By the time she finished, she was wiped out and not even sure she could make it back to the bed. She turned in her chair and held out the pages of events spanning her entire career.

Blake stood and took them, eyes running over dates and word that made no sense to him. “What’s this?”

“He always said it was my fault.” She forced herself to make eye contact. “Could you check?”

“Check?”

She licked her lips and then pressed them together. “Either Vincent was wrong and all of you are right or he’s right and all of you are wrong… I need to know which.”

His eyes flitted back to the pages, flipping through them with his thumb. “You remember all of these?”

“I- I remember everything. I… I never forget anything.”

He rocked forward a bit. “Never? So you remember like… our first conversation when we met?”

She nodded, glancing away as she thought back. “You were wearing a gray suit that day with a pink dress shirt and tie and navy and pink pocket square. You tripped twice on your walk from the elevator to your desk because you were trying to help the Secretary with your things and the two of you were arguing. I greeted the two of you and made you jump and I thought it meant you weren’t observant, but you knew who I was immediately and greeted me back. We walked to the Secretary’s office and in the doorway you asked me in the coffee was any good and then declared you would take over making it.” She looked at him again. “I can keep going.”

He stared, slack jawed. “You have a perfect memory.”

“I’ve been told that. Yes.”

“You never forget anything.”

“That’s what that means.” She frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“You- you’ll never forget a thing of what was done to you.”

“Oh… No, I won’t.” Blake turned away in silence. After several minutes, she reached out to try and draw him back. “What?”

“I’ll find every one of these and I’ll show you, this wasn’t your fault.”


	16. Chapter 16

It was a long drive from the Center to Andrews. Nadine had thought that being released for the day meant she’d still have to be under some sort of care, so she was surprised when it was only the two of them in Blake’s car.

She hadn’t been off the grounds in a month. Watching the world pass by outside the windows held her attention more than it ever had before. They arrived at the base and got through security, Blake following the roads to where they knew the Secretary would be pulling up.

“I’ll text and see how close they are to landing, but I think we’re about twenty minutes early.” He cut the engine and got out, rounding the car and opening her door. “We can take a walk if you’d like while we wait.”

“Okay.” When he started down the walk, she stayed at his side. Several minutes of quiet passed before she looked up at him, really looked at him for the first time since they’d met. “Can I tell you something?”

He looked over, a smile attempting to appear. “Anything. Always.”

“I- I had looked you up before you started your job.”

“I’m not surprised.” He chuckled. “You are thorough.”

She nodded. “You are the closest any member of staff has gotten to being Roman’s age.” She didn’t elaborate at first and he didn’t ask, waiting to see where she was going with that. “I- I didn’t want to like you.”

“I see.”

She stopped walking and looked around.

Eventually, Blake closed the space he’d let form between them. “The Secretary will be landing soon.”

Nadine nodded. “We should get back.”

He watched her turn away. “Nadine?” She took two more strides before looking back. “I don’t know what Marsh might have said to you about it, but… you’re a good mother.”

Her head tipped to the side as her eyes slowly dropped to the pavement. “I’m not a mother anymore.”

“It doesn’t work that way.” He waited until she looked up again. “You can’t just stop being a mother… You love your son so much that you have spent close to thirty years trying to make up for his death. I can’t imagine any son would want their mother to suffer like that.” Beyond the small building they heard a plane land and start to taxi. “We need to go.”

“Of course.”

It felt like an eternity before Elizabeth and the others came off the plane and they both could tell by her walk that she was in pain. Blake knew she’d requested to have no welcoming party, and knew he was going against orders, but he hoped that she wouldn’t mind seeing Nadine.

Elizabeth walked right to them, tempted to frown at their presence but stunned to see Nadine standing there. As the space closed between them, she smiled despite the pain. “What a surprise!” There was hope and concern in Nadine’s eyes. “I never would’ve expected to see you here.”

“She, um, found out.” Blake elaborated. “She needed to see that you’re back safe.” He intentionally left off ‘and sound’ because the jury was still out on that one.

“I’m so sorry, Nadine, if it scared you, but I had to go.”

“I understand. I hated it, but I understand.” She rocked a bit, wondering if it would be inappropriate to ask for a hug. A beat later, Elizabeth was slowly reaching out for one and Nadine stepped into it. “Blake told me this wasn’t my fault.”

She pulled back. “You thought this was your fault?” She shook her head. “No. This was Marsh and Munsey, Juliet and someone else. This is all on them, not you. This is not your fault, Nadine.”

Nadine nodded. “I want to believe you.”

“We’ll work on it.”


End file.
